Nov. 15th, 2002

• 9:58 PM

I realized something tonight that I'm not sure I'm happy knowing. It really makes no difference one way or the other if I am comfortable with what you do when I'm not with you. My choice is to accept it or not see you. Since I choose to spend time with you, I must accept it.

That doesn't mean I necessarily want to hear about each conquest. I don't mind you talking to me about other women. I don't mind you seeing other women. What I don't like is feeling second best...the booby prize held in reserve in case nothing better comes along. Please know that these are my feelings, not something you make me feel.

I've been home an hour and a half and I am expecting a phone call saying you have other plans and won't be coming or I'll fall asleep and hear from you next week.

I'm feeling sorry for myself. I admit it. I hate being alone. I hate feeling like a lap dog just begging for a little attention. I love spending time with you. I love talking to you, listening to music with you, even watching tv while you play your game. I dislike feeling out of place and out of sorts.

I guess I just need to start dating and stop reading into things you say and do. I need to simply accept the time I have with you as the gift it is and leave it at that.