Oct. 27th, 2002

• 7:55 AM

Last night, R and I fought again. I caught a snippet of conversation he was having online with Abby, the new woman, and noticed he was sharing what I considered to be rather personal and private information with her. I asked him to please respect my privacy and not spread around the details of my sexual preferences and problems. He starts telling me it's basically my fault he is doing this because he can't talk to me about why I'm disgusted by and threatened by his touch, so he has to talk to someone.

I ended up going for a drive. When I came back, he continued the discussion, demanding a clear-cut answer to why I can't stand it when he touches me. I told him I couldn't give him that answer because it isn't clear cut and sometimes I just don't know what it is that makes my skin crawl. I also told him I wasn't going to fight with him and went to bed.

I woke up around 3 am and he was crouched in my doorway, caressing my face and hair. He got upset when I told him it made me uncomfortable. I haven't seen him yet this morning.

*sigh* He says he isn't going to fight, isn't trying to hurt me, yet every time we talk to each other he throws something at me. Last night he finally admitted that he'd done more than give Autumn (the woman who lived with us) a backrub when I caught them on the deck at James and Melodie's house. Said he didn't want to have a fight about it then so he lied. Then he waited four years to tell me the truth, despite several times I asked him about it. How many other times was I sure he'd behaved inappropriately and allowed him to convince me? How many of those were lies too?

You don't want to hear this stuff. I don't think you're even reading this journal anymore. I'm sorry.