Dec. 2nd, 2002

• 10:16 PM

I wondered today what you really thought about the possibility of me going for coffee with Bob. I have no interest in him other than coffee. I often wonder what you think about me dating other people.

Sometimes you seem pretty gungho about the idea...perhaps because it would take the pressure off of you. Other times you seem reluctant about it...the "MINE" attitude.

I'll be honest...I'm lonely. I miss you so much and I hate feeling like this...like an afterthought...a secret....

I look toward the future and the thought of spending holidays alone because i'm not a traditional part of your life depresses the hell out of me.

I don't take our relationship lightly. There are so many facets to it...so many parts that usually mesh so well together but sometimes butt heads like raging bulls. How do I date? How do I explain to someone else that I need your permission to do things? And how do I explain to you that dating isn't really what I want...it's just an effort to stave off the loneliness.

I've been crying a lot lately...not your fault. I've been extremely emotional for many reasons. I generally feel wretched. Mostly, though, I miss you and what what you will be like when you come home again. The evil little voice in the back of my mind says that once you come home, I'll have served my purpose...you won't need a babysitter for Brandon for several months...you'll be able to take care of your own errands...you won't need me anymore so you won't want me anymore. Deep down, I think if I really believed that I'd leave the relationship before it came to that. But that voice is strong and ugly when i'm lonely and hurting and it's been screaming at the top of its lungs lately...not only because I miss you...

When I found out R was already planning to marry Angel it made me have to look back and wonder if I ever mattered...if I was ever worthy of anything...for heaven's sake...the most horrible man I know didn't think I was worth enough to have the common decency to wait until we were divorced before talking about marrying someone else...

To be brutal here...i'm feeling pretty worthless right now. I'm about to spend the holidays alone. My not even ex yet is planning his next wedding. My friends are avoiding me because they don't want to choose sides in a battle. I'm falling for someone who doesn't want that kind of relationship with me.

I don't do things by halves and I don't enter into things, especially relationships, lightly. When you asked me if I wanted to be your submissive, I gave you every part of me. I opened doors to you that I'd locked years ago to everyone else. I don't hide things from you, no matter how frightening I find them. I just don't want to become an afterthought...a dirty secret you hide in a closet because I'm not presentable for one reason or another.

I'm tired and hurting. I know you don't even read this anymore. I don't know why i'm bothering.