Oct. 24th, 2002

• 10:19 AM

The past several days have been so hectic and stressful. I won't make excuses. I simply haven't done my journal. I've had no privacy and R has demanded my attention for every moment I've been home.

It helps me a lot to talk to you about what I'm thinking and feeling at this point. He keeps trying to tell me things like, "Don't compare me to him," or, "You aren't really a submissive, you wouldn't be happy living that way all the time." He says these things like I'm going to immediately run to you and marry you.

I don't know if putting our marriage back together is a good idea or not. How long will it be before he resents the effort he thinks he's making? How long will it be before he breaks the promises he's making? Already the fact that I passed out last night was brought up. He wants to help me work out the fear of him that I have and immediately jumps on me for falling asleep while we were "working on it."

I'm exhausted and each moment that passes steels my heart that much more for finally walking away for good.

And I meant what I told you yesterday...If you leave, I'm still going through with this. I didn't leave him "for" you. I left him for me.