Dec. 10th, 2002

• 9:00 AM

The little voice is screaming at me again...it's telling me that the "news" you want to share with me from the other day isn't good news...at least not for me. I am beginning to wonder what her name is and how serious it will become.

When I got that message, that you needed to tell me about your night, I was so excited. I really wanted to know what you had done and I was so happy that you wanted to share it with me. It's four days later and i'm wondering if you are stalling...not wanting to tell me something because you know I won't like it.

I've sent you three e-cards, you haven't looked at any of them. I've sent you emails and you never responded...not even to the story I wrote, depsite my asking you to please let me know if I should bother to do things like that.

I know you are busy. I certainly understand that. I know you have far more important things on your mind than me. Distance makes me nervous...total lack of feedback leaves me with nothing but the ugly voices to listen to.

I'll be brutally honest here, i'm afraid I'm being used. I don't want you to come home and find that you don't need me anymore...I don't want you walking out of my life because i've served my purpose and you can find someone else to do it next time.

Please understand that my fears are not a reflection of what I believe of you...rather they are the irrational fears of a woman who doesn't feel very worthy right now.

I miss you. I'm terribly lonely. The only people i have seen since you left are Sunny, Paula, abby, Theresa and Keith... I get the feeling that people who see me out with abby assume i'm a lesbian, hence the utter lack of interest in me when I went dancing...but I can't go alone and no one else will go with me.

I get ims all the time from guys...most of them married and cheating on their wives. People find me attractive but i don't really want to be with anyone else...though a date would be nice...and a great ego boost.

I suppose all this boils down to me feeling sorry for myself again. I feel like I've spent a month waiting for you and I'll spend nearly another one doing the same thing. Just talk to me...tell me everything is okay and i'll be flying high for the last week and a half before I get to see you again.