Written February 7, 2008

And still true today...

I've been re-reading the Marketplace series, something I do from time to time because I find myself identifying with the characters in ways I'm not sure I understand but that I certainly seek out.

I mostly closely identify with both Robin and Chris in those books, and do so for very different reasons.

With Robin I see what my life could be like if there really were a Marketplace and people would and could and did buy and sell slaves in contemporary society. She is smart, happy, not very submissive, but a slave to the very depths of her souls. She wants to be useful and used. She hates the activities at times but she loves that her owners and trainer use her for their own purposes without concern with her feelings about the acts.

With Chris I am beginning to see what my life is now becoming. He wants nothing more than to be owned, to be of service, and yet it is the very nature of his service that places him in positions of authority where being a slave is difficult (and in his case, delayed most of his life).

I read these books and I yearn. I yearn for ownership like that. Not where I don't have to make decisions for myself but ownership where decisions are taken from me because the owner wishes to make them regardless of what I might think of them. I want to be possessed...taken where the owner wishes to take me regardless of whether or not I enjoy the activity because I want to surrender my will to the owner.

And I want to learn how to curb the hurtful feelings and thoughts that arise when I feel more like a neglected girlfriend than a slave. I don't want to feel that way. It leaves me feeling both sad and ashamed, as well as selfish and not very slave-like. I want to be able to say, "It is his prerogative to use me or not at his pleasure," and mean it rather than feeling resentful that my needs weren't considered. I just don't know how to do that.

I need to love and be loved. My heart needs that to be happy in service. At the same time, I think I need to be reminded from time to time that I am owned. I'm generally a pretty good girl. I don't get into trouble often and so there are few reminders.

I don't know exactly what I'm saying or searching for here. I know that I keep hoping this weekend's dinner will give me the opportunity to demonstrate ruthless obedience without hesitation because that would be a clear indication of my status. 

I don't often say, "I need," but I think this one is one I do have to speak up for. I need to be reminded of my place from time to time...to be shown that I am in service and that my primary service is the happiness and pleasure of the owner. I really do need that.