A thought on identity

A thought on identity

I knew that many of the people I hang with in the local community didn't understand me and my place in the world of labels, but the depth of that lack of understanding didn't hit me until last night.

A friend, in answer to a question about how those in the room identified, said of me, "this one hasn't made up her mind yet'" I was stunned. I know I've spoken to this person about how I identify within the community, but somewhere between my explanation and her understanding was a gap of epic proportions.

When I'm asked how I identify, my answer begins with, "it's complicated, but...". I then explain the difference between power exchange relationships and play. In play, I am a sadistic top. I do not casually bottom because I'm not a masochist. In a power exchange relationship, I serve. While I have a dominant personality, I have found fulfillment as a servant. I will happily bottom for an owner and accept pain as a part of my service and the ruthless obedience I offer to an owner. I am not a switch.

I realize my identification is a bit long winded for most. I can't give them a single word answer because I believe in the power of words and enjoy the precision allowed by a correct and judicious use of our language. Plus a one word answer would be inaccurate.

It saddens me a bit to realize that my precise definition of my roles in our community has set up a type of wall. Often those who do not understand something will shy away from it. Many do not understand me or my definition of who I am. I see that my desire to be accurate and careful alienates me from those who do not see a world in which play and relationships are separate entities...where a servant can, and should, have strength.

I suppose it is time for me to realize and internalize that for many, anyone who does not neatly fit in the boxes labeled "dominant," "submissive," and "switch," does not know who they are and what they want. That's a sad thought for a woman who identifies as a clearly not submissive servant with a wicked sadistic streak.

Shari