Serving a Woman

Serving a Woman

Over the years some of the most incredible women I've ever met have said that were it not for my decidedly straight sexual orientation, they would want me in service to them. I think about these offers from time to time because a part of me wonders if I'm turning down the relationship that would fulfill me because I want to get off.

I'm straight. I joke sometimes that I'm probably the only straight person most of my friends know. I started being asked out by women in college. My own mother thought I might be a lesbian when I was in middle school. But I like men. I can appreciate a woman sexually, but I don't get turned on sexually by women.

Part of me is torn about this. The women who have approached me about service have done so without mention of sex. They have said to me the things I need to hear about structure and expectations. They have presented me with what I think I want, but because I know I don't do divided loyalties well, I wonder how I might find completeness in a service relationship with a woman.

I like sex. I need sex. I don't enjoy emotionally disconnected sex. I do not want to try to balance the kind of service relationship I build with an owner with a "boyfriend" so that I could continue to have sex. I am, at heart, monogamous because when I am involved with someone, especially in an owner/servant relationship, my focus is on my partner. I've never mastered the ability to divide myself between the partner and others. I feel that I would be cheating an owner out of something should I choose to serve someone and then seek out another partner to have certain of my needs met. Neither partner would be getting all of my attention and care and I would feel torn .

That is not to say I won't serve someone who is poly. I will. I have. I've had the same kind of success and failure with poly that I believe most people do. When all parties are agreed to work together for the success of all relationships, poly works. When one or more partners work against any of the others, it doesn't.

The worst part of this analysis is that I berate men who contact me for wanting to talk about nothing but sex. Here I am, saying the only thing holding me back from considering service to a woman is sex. But if I'm honest with myself, I have to acknowledge that I have served without sex and have been miserable. My body has needs. Unfortunately, my inability to enjoy emotionally detached sex coupled with my inability to effectively divide my loyalties means that in order to be whole in service, I must ask the one I serve to be the source of sexual fulfillment for me. I suppose this is something I should work on in order to be a better servant. I do not, however, know where to begin with this issue as so much of it is hard-wired into who I am. I'm open to suggestions.

Shari Malin