Oct. 2nd, 2002

• 8:21 PM

No secrets is a hard thing for me. I am so used to keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself, so used to feeling like those thoughts and feelings aren't valid anyway so why burden anyone with them.

I won't lie and tell you I was unaffected by your disclosure about Tanya. To be honest, your description of her sounds like she's perfect for you. Listening to you talk about her and how you look to the future brought a question to my mind. It's not a new question but rather one I've asked myself several times recently.

Why are you with me? I know deep down you want a family and a wife so I'm curious why you are investing time in me when you could be pursuing a woman who could be everything for you.

I don't want to give you up. I'm selfish that way. I enjoy being with you, but I also have to consider your well-being.

Every so often (actually it has been about once a year for the past three or four years) I start to look at my life and wonder why I keep it the way it is if I'm not happy. Life is far too short to be unhappy as I often feel.

I want to tell you things but honestly I'm afraid of what your reaction might be...that you might misread or misunderstand. I'm going to do it anyway and damn the consequences.

Do you know what it meant to me for you to tell me I looked pretty the other morning? What it's like to be able to trust that you won't hurt me, won't use me to get what you want and to hell with me, won't turn your back on me because we disagree? These are all very important things.

Something else has wandered into my thoughts since I met you. I was 16 the last time I seriously considered whether or not I wanted children. I decided against it knowing that my high school fiance was not father material. I knew R wasn't either. I'm 31 years old and no, I don't feel any clocks ticking. I just spend time with a man I think would make a wonderful father and it makes me wonder... (No, I don't want to have your children...in my current situation that wouldn't be a good thing).

Being with you reminds me that there are men who appreciate their partners, who have care and consideration for them and makes everything I've always disliked about R glow with neon intensity.

You should know that I'm probably PMSing right now, which makes everything I'm feeling worse. This is also a bad time of year for me. I did something many years ago that I sometimes heavily regret, but most especially at this time of year. I'm sorry. I should just hit delete but I can't.