Today's Events

T came over for lunch today.

I admit I was nervous. I'm not certain why exactly...just the usual jitters I suppose. I'm still worried I might do something, commit some major faux pas and send him running I suppose.

He met R and the two of them chatted for a while as I made the salads. R says he liked T, thought he was a nice man. This is a good thing.

My neck is sore. One of the first things T did was take a moment to do a few things he'd mentioned wanting to do for some time. He grasped my hair, pulled my head to the side and bit my neck HARD. I was a puddle at his feet. When he put his hand on my throat I melted even more. What an amazing sense of posession that act had. I must be honest and say it was a little scary, but I knew I was safe and relaxed right away.

I'm still processing and will write more later.

Leather Views July 7, 2002

Jul. 12th, 2002 at 9:00 AM

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for Issue number 29
Sunday, July 07, 2002

Doing As I Write
by Jack Rinella

As my regular readers probably know, I put a lot of confidence in the
technique of journaling. Regularly writing about one's thoughts, hopes,
and fears helps to clarify them and gives us a tool with which to find
self-understanding as well as solutions and improvements for our daily
lives. Since I'm in a week where my list of possible topics is at a low
ebb, I'm going to take my own advice and do some writing about my current
fantasy.

Before I do, though, I want to emphasize that I'm always open to
suggestions for topics and encourage you to drop me a note as to what you
want to read. The deal is this: if you tell me what you want you'd like to
read about, I'll try and be accommodating. If you don't you'll be stuck
reading (like this week) whatever hits my fancy.

A few weeks ago (on a Tuesday to be exact) Patrick noticed I was somewhat
depressed and quizzed me gently as to why. I admitted that I didn't know.
The down feeling lasted through Wednesday but by dinner time I as able to
admit that I wanted a lover and felt unfulfilled without one.

I shared my feelings about the possibility of creating a new relationship
and Patrick encouraged me to start looking. Perhaps not so coincidentally,
James, my therapist, gave me the same advice. Rather than wait to be
"healed" from the effects of my last breakup (two years ago), he noted
that a new relationship could in fact be part of the healing process.

I had never thought of it that way and he made a lot of sense. Besides, I
could look at my past relationships more clearly now and note what worked
and what didn't, what kind of person I wanted this time, as opposed to the
last several times.

Now many of you will be thinking that I should be happy with my slave
Patrick. I am. You'd say I should love Patrick and I do. The structure of
our relationship, which is very satisfying to both of us, is not one we
want to change. Master and slave we want to remain. In fact, Patrick has
made it clear he doesn't want to become my lover. Hence I find myself
wishing for a lover.

"Careful what you wish for, Jack," I think as I pick up a pen and paper
and try to visualize what that person looks like, acts like, and feels
like. I also wonder how I will act and how I will feel. Getting from here
to there involves change, though what that means only the future will
tell.

My first thought is that my next lover will be a versatile top, perhaps
even another master. I write that because I want a relationship with a
person who enjoys what I enjoy, even possibly everything that I enjoy. If
fact, I want to be able to watch him do what I do and I want us to do it
together.

I've never been in that kind of relationship, though I was close to one
like it when, as Master Lynn's slave, we co-topped a bottom. Not quite the
same but enough that it holds some potential for becoming real. That first
wish, I hope, ensures that we'll be without jealousy and competition,
secure in ourselves and each glad that the other has everything he
desires.

I also say that because I know too well that no one individual can satisfy
another's desires fully. That's why I tend to have multiple relationships.
(Now there's an understatement.)Together all of us provide for each other,
from each according to his abilities to each according to their needs. I
guess that makes it obvious that monogamous men need not apply.

It seems that I am firmly entrenched in my desire to have another man as
my lover. It's a matter of knowing myself. After all, it is my fantasy.

The whole lover idea involves a special kind of sharing. I can smile to
think that means that I fuck one end of a slave while he fucks the other,
but there is much more to it than that. Lovers, you see, are special to
each other in the way they share. At least that's how my fantasy goes.
Their relationship means that there's nothing that can't be said, heard,
felt, and tried within the bond of love that makes their relationship
special.

My dictionary comes in handy here, as I think I'm looking for a peer: "a
person who has equal standing with another, as in rank, class, or age." My
visualization projects that they are responsible, educated, handsome,
confident, generous, out-going, vivacious, and experienced in kink, in
leadership, and in sex. I visualize someone who is free to be themselves,
allows others the same freedom, and has a quiet streak of deeply spiritual
values.

I want to roll around with him in bed, flipping and exchanging roles. I
want to kiss and be kissed and never have to think about image,
appearance, or who's on top and who's on the bottom. I want a man who will
love both of me. Love me when I'm Jack and love me when I'm Joe. He'll be
as comfortable at all sorts of kinky events as he is when he comes to the
school where I teach.

I want to be able to cry on his shoulder and he on mine; to be with one
another through sickness and health, good times and not so good, reverie
and depression; to cruise and flirt and never worry about losing each
other in the crowd.

Oh there's lots of fantasy stuff to add to the mix as well. His smooth
well-muscled body will make me proud to be seen with him. His wit will
match me pun for pun. We'll never worry about whether we appear to be
political correct, are without a date, or whether the other is being
faithful.

It will be a great pleasure to share a quiet dinner, a large dungeon
party, a walk by the lake, or my "seventeen" slaves. He will be a helpmate
in building our family because he likes living in Grand Central Station as
much as I do, even while we plot to run off into the sunset for a time
just for us.

It's fantasy to be sure, but you've got to start somewhere. Patrick
reminds me that I'm not doing much looking and adds that maybe it's time I
start.

Have a great week. You can leave me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or
visit my website at "". Copyright 2002 by Jack
Rinella, all rights reserved.

* * * * * *

Why not join me at an event some time soon?

July 26-28 Whipstock in Michigan for info: Whipstock2002@aol.com

Aug 9-11 Ms World Leather, Dallas, TX

Aug 19 A presentation on the History of Kink for APEX in Arizona


Aug 23-25 Ohio Leatherfest in Columbus

Interesting Day

I have had an interesting day.

After the cowardly bastard broke off our relationship over the instant messenger yesterday, I went back over to alt.com and bondage.com to look over the profiles I had put on my "hotlists." I sent a bunch of emails and waited.

I heard from about six or seven different people today. A couple were "Thanks but no thanks" responses but at least four were truly interested in me. I've spent several hours online today, chatting with these men and finding out that there are Dominant men out there who aren't afraid of a submissive who wants a relationship that goes beyond the scene.

All in all, it has actually been rather nice talking with these men. It is nice to feel desireable instead of feeling like a burden or annoyance.

On the lying sack of shit topic, I left a message that I want to pick up my things either tomorrow or thursday because I don't want to have to make a special trip to F-ville just to fit his "schedule." He's on vacation, he can make some time for me to get my belongings. The more I find out about him and what he was doing behind my back, the happier I am that I am free of the lying sack of shit. At this point, if he told me the sky was blue, i'd check first before I believed him.

Over, done, finis

That's it...it's all over.

In the middle of an IM discussion yesterday, JD told me to email him a list of the things I want returned. I begged him to talk to me, to explain what the hell was going on, but all I got was the same cryptic bullshit he's always given me. Suffice it to say he's holding me responsible for information he admits I don't have. He claims that my husband and I are becoming pariahs in the local community and he doesn't plan to go down with our "sinking ship." He won't tell me what's going on in the community, just that people have been telling him things about us.

You know what? Fuck him! He lied to me, I forgave him. He hurt me, I forgave him. I not only forgave him, I let him convince me that it had all been in my head. I wasn't even worth an explanation. I went against the wishes of my husband to go back to him the last time and he couldn't even be bothered to explain what the hell was going on despite his obvious understanding that I have no idea. He wouldn't even call me or let me call him, he did all of this in Yahoo fucking Messenger.

I will find a Dominant man who is interested in a real relationship. A Dominant man who won't tell me he's afraid to care for me too deeply because I'm married (even when he knows we're poly). A Dominant man who won't treat me like a toy that must be hidden in the toybag when he doesn't want to play with it. A Dominant man who will make me part of his life instead of treating me like a dirty secret.

I'm exhausted and my heart hurts so much that I can barely breathe. I was betrayed by people who I believed to be friends. You can bet I won't be trusting anyone again soon. And if I get my hands on the loud-mouthed bitch who betrayed my trust, you better bet I'm going to rip her a new one. I looked beyond what everyone said about her, believing that it was a case of no one being willing to move beyond the past. I welcomed this woman into my home and she repays my hospitality and friendship by spouting off to JD about things I believed were said in confidence the last time I was ready to dump his ass. None of it was anything I didn't later say to him, it is the principle of it.

I'm so angry that I just don't know what to do.

Last night's munch

The munch was fun. The wait staff at the restaurant kept trying to get into the conference room we were using. We finally blocked the doors and laughed loudly every time somone banged into the door and found it wouldn't open.
Folks seemed to enjoy my demo. We made simple rope floggers and I took them on a trip through my toybag (which has very few things in it that I didn't make). We chatted about resources and talked about playing outside primary relationships afterward.
It took us forever to get home because R thought it would be a good idea to go down Ocean Blvd. at 10pm on the Saturday after July 4th. It was after midnight when he finally looked for a way to get off the boulevard and onto the bipass...we'd only gone 10 blocks by then. I slept while he oggled.

Feeling pretty good

things with J.D. have been getting much better today's e-mail may me smile.

we are going to the MDBDSM munch tomorrow. I'm going to be doing a demonstration on DIY Kink. When I asked JD what I should wear for this event, he only specified one thing...a braided leather collar I had asked to be permitted to wear to our munch in June, but received permission too late to do so. Then today, I got this:
*************
"just remember what I wanted you to wear around your neck"
**********
It makes me smile sooooooo wide when he does these things. I don't know if he realizes how much it means to me when he says things like this.

I got some other really good news. My best friend, S, is going to be attending the munch with us tomorrow. I gotta corner him and ask him how he got away from his wife for the evening :).

Phone Call

I talked with John on the phone last night for over an hour (on and off because he was "wearing out" calling cards lol).

It was nice just to chat. I would have loved to have gotten in the car and driven up to spend the evening with him, but he wanted some time for himself before spending today and most of next week with his kids. I was a little disappointed, but not much. Talking to him, knowing he'd called me and kept calling back even after the cards ran out meant an awful lot.

He called me sweetheart before he hung up last night. My oh my, did that make my heart swell :). He says he's done it before, but if he did, I don't remember it. I told him it didn't matter if he'd done it before or not, it still sounded really nice to me. He's been doing little things like that a lot since the "Big Talk." Using my first name instead of Share when we speak, calling me honey or now sweetheart, asking me to wear the braided leather collar for him when I go to MB and give my DIY Kink demo on saturday. Things that make me feel special and very cared for.