Over, done, finis

That's it...it's all over.

In the middle of an IM discussion yesterday, JD told me to email him a list of the things I want returned. I begged him to talk to me, to explain what the hell was going on, but all I got was the same cryptic bullshit he's always given me. Suffice it to say he's holding me responsible for information he admits I don't have. He claims that my husband and I are becoming pariahs in the local community and he doesn't plan to go down with our "sinking ship." He won't tell me what's going on in the community, just that people have been telling him things about us.

You know what? Fuck him! He lied to me, I forgave him. He hurt me, I forgave him. I not only forgave him, I let him convince me that it had all been in my head. I wasn't even worth an explanation. I went against the wishes of my husband to go back to him the last time and he couldn't even be bothered to explain what the hell was going on despite his obvious understanding that I have no idea. He wouldn't even call me or let me call him, he did all of this in Yahoo fucking Messenger.

I will find a Dominant man who is interested in a real relationship. A Dominant man who won't tell me he's afraid to care for me too deeply because I'm married (even when he knows we're poly). A Dominant man who won't treat me like a toy that must be hidden in the toybag when he doesn't want to play with it. A Dominant man who will make me part of his life instead of treating me like a dirty secret.

I'm exhausted and my heart hurts so much that I can barely breathe. I was betrayed by people who I believed to be friends. You can bet I won't be trusting anyone again soon. And if I get my hands on the loud-mouthed bitch who betrayed my trust, you better bet I'm going to rip her a new one. I looked beyond what everyone said about her, believing that it was a case of no one being willing to move beyond the past. I welcomed this woman into my home and she repays my hospitality and friendship by spouting off to JD about things I believed were said in confidence the last time I was ready to dump his ass. None of it was anything I didn't later say to him, it is the principle of it.

I'm so angry that I just don't know what to do.