random thoughts

• Jan. 10th, 2006 at 3:15 PM

I'm feeling conflicted about my behavior. I've been here before and it wasn't the end of the world, and yet there's still a part of me that says "good girls" don't fuck on the first date. "Good girls" certainly don't fuck and get beaten on their second dates.

Damnit...why can't I let go of what is good or right? I don't feel guilty or like I've been wronged or really as though I've done anything wrong, but there's that small part of me that feels dirty for enjoying what I enjoy and for engaging in sex outside "normal" relationships.

With J, I've finally gotten past the "ten finger" rule of sexual partners. I'm at 11 in my lifetime. I don't know if that's high, low or somewhere in the middle. I just know that there's at least one on the list whose name I cannot remember and that does bother me.

Rick talked to me today about his fears for me engaging in a relationship with J. I know some of his concerns stem from jealousy (something he admits himself), yet it was good to hear his thoughts. I kept telling him that he needs to talk to me about these concerns because he knows J and is in a different position to view J than I am.

I'm still sorting out my feelings and fears. J is truly a sadist and while I've known sadists, they've always had the fear of hurting me when they touched me. J doesn't have that fear and in fact revels in the thought of hurting me. And at the same time, what I believed would be excruciating was not...was, in fact, far more bearable than I would ever have believed.

J is offering me the chance to be a slave. He's offering me the chance to learn true service. He's offering to make my secret dreams come true. How can I let my fear of pain take that opportunity from me? Especially as I learn that the reality is not as extreme as my fantasies when it comes to pain.

He used his belt on my ass last night...twice. The first strike was absolutely the worst. The second set was bad for a different reason...I disappointed him...I don't know how to be "slutty" and he's pushing me away from my sensual tendencies to get the slut to emerge. I am not specifically resisting the idea, I honestly don't know how to be that way.

He is aroused by my tears...a good thing since I cry as an emotional release within the lifestyle and have from the first time I was ever flogged.

What the hell am I getting myself into? I keep asking myself this and working out the answer. It's important to me to learn what J is offering even if we do not stay together as a couple. Beyond that, I like him. He's intelligent, articulate and interesting. He's also cruel and demanding in a way that makes my heart thump.

We discussed protocol last night and spent extensive time simply defining the term. His ideas are not only well-thought out, but also dynamically and persuasively presented. I like his definitions and agree with his specific protocols.