Saturday, the 14th

• Jan. 15th, 2006 at 4:29 PM

J is amazing to watch as he flies in top space. He's graceful, poised and focused and I wish I'd had my camera to capture that beauty.

In all, Saturday was an odd day. After arriving at P and N's home I tried to help with cleaning and preparing the house for the party. I felt very much like an outsider, especially when J left with P for several hours. N wanted to complain about J so I excused myself and sat in my car for a bit so I would be face with choosing loyalties later or accused of tattling. I cried in the car is more accurate.

silly thought for the day...at something K said (and I don't specifically remember what it was) I thought "I don't appreciated being treated as a servant" it dawned on me as I was thinking it that it was ridiculous...how can I be upset if someone treats me like a servant when that is how I was behaving at the time (I did more cleaning yesterday than I generally do at my own house). Despite J telling me not to isolate myself to perform menial tasks, when I'm outside my comfort zone, I find it again through service. Did I bristle inside at whatever it was K said, yes? Did I comply without an outward show, yes? For several reasons. J left K with instructions to keep an eye on me, placing me in the subordinate position. I refuse to behave poorly because it will embarrass both me and J. And good manners are always appropriate especially in a situation where I felt I was being tested and judged as I performed each task.

I spent most of the party trying to be helpful and unobtrusive. J used floggers on me a little...leaving me dressed...and snapped the singletail around me...I think he expects me to flinch, but I actually find it a good centering exercise. I can shut down every awareness but J and the ringing in my ears from the crack. It's intimate and sexy and powerful for me to trust him that way. He has been clear he values me and strikes me as a man willing and eager to hurt, but reserved about truly damaging what he values.

Master P...from Friday...attended with his girl C. I don't know how to address my interactions with P from last night. There was proprietariness to his behavior toward me which made me uncomfortable. He stopped me in the kitchen early in the evening and ordered me to touch and kiss his girl while he fondled us both. I was unaware of any permissions J might have granted P, so I complied. Later P ordered me to perform cunnilingus on his girl...something I'd never done before. J was with me this time so again, no hesitation. Still later in the evening P ordered me to strip in the living room. J and I talked briefly about most of this and next time there will be more specific instructions to P or J will be there to tell him no for me. As J said, there is the element of being available for use by dominants as a slave, but last night pushed the envelope.

All that being said, P was solicitous of my well-being throughout the night and stayed with me as I watched J with K.

Deeper, darker things...
After watching J with K I am beginning to understand the depths of his sadism. I admit to being somewhat terrified of this, but I honestly believe much of the fear stems from the unknown.

J, K and I talked together after their scene about those feelings. J said something which made me consider, is what I'm doing for real or is it just an act I put on for the amusement of others and myself? He told me I had ten minutes to consider and then come to him to beg him to hurt me. I could serve him by feeding the beast or I could be an amusement to him. He left me with K to talk it over.

K said something I'd hoped hadn't been as obvious as it apparently was. She asked if I was afraid of surrendering further. I said yes. Then she pointed out it seemed I was already in pretty deep, so what harm was going just a little farther.

J is the most clearly dominant man I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. From the moment I heard his voice, I was drawn to him. He demands excellence from me in a way no one ever has before. I want to be the slave he believes I can be. I want to be the kind of slave he is proud to tell others he trained. I want to be the woman and slave I see reflected in his eyes when I do right. So I went to him, knelt and told him these things and said, Please Sir, will you hurt me?"

He calls me his sanctuary. I am the calming effect he says he needs. He feels cared for and safe with me and that is so important to me. Service, for me, is not just about actions. It is a way of being which puts others at ease and lets them abandon the stresses and strains which deplete them. It is being able to help them replenish. Power exchange is energy exchange, something I have always been adept with. Why should I not make this skill central in my service?