Tarot Spread

• Jan. 11th, 2006 at 11:54 AM

Check out this tarot spread for my current relationship state:

Past: A time of great emotional upheaval and sorrow is at hand. This may be accompanied by quarrels and separations. There may be the bitter end of a relationship with recriminations by both parties. Take time and great care in making decisions. (I recently ended a 3.5 year relationship).

Present: Movement and freedom become possible by letting go of your habitual conditioning and unhealthy relationships. Remember that you are a boundless being. (I've begun stretching my wings in a special relationship...I feel myself letting go of parts of me that have not been healthy for me).

Future:A successful and intense man with dark hair and eyes who has great perception and magickal ability seeks to help and advise you. Make an effort to be open to emotional rewards. (Um, can you describe J any more closely without actually seeing him?)

It's funny, I check a tarot spread like this only rarely. I use the online thing at llewellyn, but use the deck I actually have at home for the computer to use. The spreads I did with T in mind were never this positive. I asked only for insight into my present relationship state and received the messages above.

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 Changing my relationships

• Jan. 11th, 2006 at 11:59 AM

There have been three men in my life for nearly identical amounts of time for whom I often dropped everything in order to be available to them. In the past few weeks, I have changed.

I ended a 3.5 year relationship and have refused to answer the phone when he calls. For 3.5 years, he'd answer when he felt like it, but I was always available regardless of time or what I might be doing.

I've had a friend with benefits for nearly four years. I spent a lot of time waiting for him to be available. Last weekend I texted him a note and he spent the rest of the evening trying to get a response from me (even drove into town to spend the night with me). I was at a movie and was not checking my phone. Today I was unavailable to him again.

I need to shift priorities right now. J is somewhat consuming in his focus and I need to stay focused with him. These men who have depended on me for so long will simply have to learn that I am not going to jump when they call...never again.

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 He's a gentleman

• Jan. 11th, 2006 at 11:26 PM

J took me to a movie tonight (Hostel...very strange, very Tarantino). We stopped and had coffee first. He was wearing his leathers, something he hasn't done since I met him (except his jacket) and he looked fine...White shirt, art deco tie, leather vest and pants.

He gave me a bit of a start...I'd never been to the particular coffee shop and while I was fixing his coffee, he disappeared. I turned around and he was just gone. He'd gone upstairs and was waiting on the balcony.

We talked a bit, mostly about the business he wants to have up and running by March. Then he casually mentions fucking a girl on a couch across the room from us. Electricity shot up my spine.

He has this intense look he turns on me so often. I don't know what he's thinking when he looks at me that way, but I almost think he's thinking of ways to make me scream and cry.

Funny that I feel comfortable writing down the "vanilla" date (as he called it) but cannot get the image/feeling of his hand wrapped into my hair, dragging me to the bathroom and forcing me to my knees...no idea what he planned, only knowing he would do as he pleased despite my feelings about watersports. The feel of the edge of the sink as I clung to it to keep from falling over. The distress of having no idea where to look. Tears pouring down my face from the belt he'd taken to my ass when I failed to make him come in my mouth quickly enough.

I had a very nice evening with J. I like him as a man and human. He terrifies and excites me at the same time. I know that unlike the men in my past who "threatened" to turn me over to other dominants to use, J will do it and has already begun planning his pleasure. I believe he intends to give me to a young-to-the-lifestyle dominant he is working with and with whom he has discussed me.

And I know there will come a time (and I don't believe it is too far in the future) when he will beat me because he likes to hear me scream and see me cry. And yet I can't wait to call him tomorrow after I finish my office hours.

Please let him be who I believe him to be. Let the persona he's presented be the man he really is. I cannot think any other is the truth, but I've been burned before.