When is an Apology NOT an Apology

When it is designed to start drama.
When it is essentially a statement of "I'm sorry that you are stupid."
When it is in direct opposition to the original intent of the need of an apology--i.e. it is snotty and snarky while attempting to be an apology for being rude.

Why, you may ask, do I say these things? I was the focus of just such an apology. It was "woe is me, I am never rude and I can't imagine why anyone would falsely accuse me of being rude so feel sorry for me because my dominant said I had to apologize even though I know I didn't do anything wrong."

Sorry, sugar, but all you did was make yourself look like an idiot to those of us who witnessed the original rudeness.  I chose not to respond to you directly because I'm not in the mood for the shit storm of "But she didn't do that," and "I didn't see it, so it didn't happen." I know what the original incident was. Had it been only one time this person's ass was directly in front of my face as I tried to talk to someone at the munch, I would have chocked it up to the crowded space and ignored it. The problem is, that ass was in my face so often that had it come back one more time, I was considering making a hand puppet out of it. If I were the only one who noticed this rude behavior, I could chock it up to me being overly sensitive to the lack of manners displayed by folks, but not only was it seen by the person to whom I was speaking, it was observed by three other people who were sitting nearby.

So, for the sake of education, I thought I would share with folks the formula for the Three Part Apology so that if an apology is requested in the future, folks can understand more clearly what is and is not an apology.

The three parts of an apology are:
1.     What I did was wrong.
This is an admission of wrong-doing. If you cannot admit you did anything that was inappropriate, whatever precedes or follows the apology will negate the apology.
For example, " I would like to apologize for any misunderstanding, HOWEVER, I did NOT" is not an admission of any type of wrong doing. It is rationalization of your behavior and makes you sound as though you know exactly what was wrong but choose not to take responsibility for your actions and have no intention of offering a sincere apology.

2.     I feel badly that I hurt you.
Demonstrating contrition is the second part of the apology. Accept that something wrong happened, take responsibility and recognize that your actions and interactions have an affect on the rest of the world.
"I don't understand why someone felt the need to try to falsely accuse me and go on some rant about my supposed discourteousness [sic]," is NOT demonstrating contrition. It is directly attacking the person to whom your apology is supposedly offered.

3.     How do I make you feel better?
Offering to make amends is the final part of the three part apology. Make a clear statement that you want to offer a change in order to mitigate the effects of your behavior.
"I don't know why people felt the need to hate on me, but I have never done anything to anyone," is definitely not a statement that indicated the willingness on the part of the apologizer to make any sort of change to their behavior. In fact it clearly states that they did nothing wrong, so why should they change?

An appropriate, and less long-winded apology for the situation would have been: I apologize for having interrupted your conversation by repeatedly stepping between you and the other person to whom you were speaking. I understand that such rude behavior is unacceptable and will, in the future, endeavor to be more aware of my surroundings and behave with decorum and courtesy at public gatherings.

See? Wasn't that easier than a half a page of "Oh poor me" vitriol that makes it clear you do not understand either common courtesy or the purpose of an apology? Wouldn't that have been a much better demonstration of your obedience to your dominant than that embarrassing tirade which just further denigrated his position in the community?

Oh and one other note for apologies...anything you say after "BUT" negates everything that came before it so, you may as well not have even said it.

- Three part apology wording taken from:: http://chattanoogaparentmagazine.com/2011/03/2443/#sthash.mJTAgUaz.dpuf