What if service were a vocation, not a hobby?

What if service were a vocation, not a hobby?

Let me preface this writing with saying that I am fully aware that the world of The Marketplace is fiction. I've spent enough time with Laura to hear her say so more than once and I am an adult with a working brain. That being said, however, I do find pieces of that world something to aspire to.

The idea of service as a vocation--a life-long pursuit--is something I definitely see as a real-world application of a fictional construct.

If service were a vocation, not a hobby, how different would our world be? If those who feel compelled to serve were able to find places and careers where they were supported in their compulsion rather than ridiculed or taken advantage of, would not our world be better?

Consider someone like me. I have lived a life of service in one form or another from my earliest memories. My mother, whom I love and adore, was not an easy woman when I was a child. I remember spending a lot of time finding ways to be quiet, obedient, and invisible so as not to upset her. I was the child in the corner with her coloring books, quietly amusing herself while the adults had their cocktail party around me. I was the silent child at the dinner table, cringing as other children screamed and carried on. I did these things, behaved this way, not only because I feared punishment, but because I learned very young that a happy mother meant a happy household.

Later in life, I strove for excellence in school and career, not only for my own pleasure, but to serve those for whom I care. And when I chose men to serve, I served to the best of my ability to bring them pleasure and comfort, not to garner a reward for myself.

Service has been, and to a great extent remains, the central focus of my life. I notice things. I remember things. I serve others because service brings me joy...until it doesn't. And there lies the paradox, I suppose, of service as a vocation rather than a hobby.

If I served only on weekends because I got all hot and bothered thinking about the play that would follow a weekend of good behavior, service would be a hobby for me...something I enjoyed but could ultimately live without. Instead I am faced with job searching and relationship endings because after some time of serving without guidance, acknowledgement or care from those I serve, I reach the point of knowing I am damaging myself and must move on.

Were I able to turn my compelling desire to serve, and to be of service, into a vocation where I could have physical, emotional, and even financial needs met, I truly believe I would be happier. I'm not saying I want to be a slave locked in a cage who awaits the master or mistress's pleasure. I'm saying I would be a kick-ass personal servant and assistant and I believe the ideal situation for me would be one in which the basic needs of food, shelter, etc. were part and parcel of my service agreement so that I could focus my talents and skills on serving the individual or individuals who held the key to my collar.

I don't want to be taken care of. I want to care for those I serve. I want to put my skills as a manager, trainer and educator, and writer to work for those I serve. I want to be as the slaves in The Marketplace are...in service, useful, valuable, and valued. They are not the "do me" princes and princesses I have come across in my years in the community, but truly useful servants...useful in any way their owners choose, but also chosen for the skills they offer.

I want that. I want that so badly that I cry each and every time I read any of Laura's Marketplace books. I want it so badly that I have stayed in bad relationships far too long on the hope and prayer that what those I served said when I found them would eventually come to fruition.

My recent experience in being the dominant in a power exchange relationship has left a bad taste in my mouth and I know a good deal of it has come from my own skewed expectations. The boy was not me. He did not dedicate himself to service as I have in the past and I was disappointed. I was hurt. How could it be that anyone in service wouldn't feel as I did...that the one being served deserved only the best, not matter how the servant felt? It was unfair to him, and yet it wasn't. Sure, real-world stuff intrudes and sure I understand that from both sides, but when service is a hobby, the servant only serves when they feel like it. When it is a vocation, the servant serves no matter their feeling because being of service is more important than just about anything else in the servant's life.

Is what I want realistic? Probably not. Is it possible? I don't know. Do I wish and pray for it each and every day? Yes. Does that make me delusional or hopeful?