Blows to the Ego and Other Tales from the Crypt

I tend to be a pretty quiet person when it comes to the various things that truly hurt. I'll kvetch or carry on about the unimportant things, but the deep ones, the ones that make me cry silently in the middle of the night, those I don't say much about.

I am human, no matter how much you might think differently. I'm as insecure about my body, my looks, my service, as anyone else. I hide behind the brash, loud exterior people have seen over the last several years, because I got tired of getting beat up for expressing my feelings. 

And there are only so many blows my ego can take before I fold. 

I feel like I'm whining and I don't like that feeling. And yet at the same time I know that if I hear one more person either explicitly or implicitly tell me that I'm not "enough" I am going to scream. 

I'm so tired of not being "enough." Not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough. I don't do my job well enough. I don't look submissive enough. I'm not thin enough.

I understand a lot of things fairly well. I know that some of the feeling of inadequacy is my own. However, looking back over my relationships, I see a pattern. 

In a poly household, I certainly understand seeking "more" to fill an EMPTY place in the house.  You don't go to the dentist to get your ingrown toe nail fixed because the dentist doesn't have the right skills to fill that need. I see the same idea working in a poly household. Filling a space with "more" that is unfilled by the current members of the house, I understand. 

What I don't understand, and what has been my experience over and over again, is filling the space with "more" of the same simply for the sake of variety. This behavior, to which I have been repeatedly subjected over the years, does little other than give the dominant a harem and make every servant feel as though they aren't "enough." 

Why seek out additional servants with no additional skills if the one you have already is enough? Worse yet, why bring these servants into a household where not only do they contribute nothing new to the dynamic, but they take from the tasks and contact the original servant once enjoyed?

I'm rambling and whining, but if someone could explain this compulsion to me in a way that is deeper than "It's the dominant's right," or "It's a male thing," I really would appreciate it.