Aug. 4th, 2006

12:57 PM

Funny thought for the day...how would it feel to have someone to take out my agression on? What would it be like to stand someone in front of my bull whip and throw it with the intent to hit them rather than just cracking it in the back yard?

I'm feeling very agressive and restless today. I'm angry and have yet to find a good way to vent it.

Sitting in my office with little to keep me occupied isn't helping. Neither did my trip to the house during lunch.

Feeling left out...

Aug. 2nd, 2006 at 8:54 AM

Lately I've been feeling very isolated. After my melt-down at July 4th only Vi has been normal toward me again. I've gotten the feeling that somewhere along the way I got blamed for making Victoria upset and making things worse than they were despite me only answering the questions Victoria asked me.

Now with Jarrett's birthday passing without a card or gift from either Kathryn or Victoria, I have this sneaking suspicion that there have been plans made to acknowledge his birthday in some big way but that I have been excluded from the planning and likely from the plans as well. I hate feeling this way.
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Bratty behavior

Aug. 2nd, 2006 at 9:15 AM

So I'm reading this thread in collarme's message boards about bratty behavior and I find myself thinking these ugly, nasty, deragatory and catty thoughts.

From the moment I met her, K has behaved in an escalating bratty way. The incidents and specifics of her bratty behavior have increased in frequency and severity in the last seven months. Her current favorite thing to shout at J when he tells her to do something is a toss up between "Release!" and "I'm not a slave." What I don't get and have never understood is why J puts up with this from her. Were I to behave as she does, he'd knock me into next week. I get the disappointed look if something on the enormous list of responsibilities I have isn't done perfectly. She can run around (literally) acting like a complete fool and he "rewards" her by "punishing" her. I quote these terms because what she wants is attention and doesn't seem to care in what form it is given. Hence his punishments are rewards. I don't care how much she cries or yells or pleads for him to stop the punishment...five minutes later she's up and acting stupid again and bragging about whatever it is he's done to punish her.

I've tried talking to J about how it makes me feel to know that he expects nothing of her, allows this behavior from her and even encourages it by rewarding her with attention when she acts out. Either he doesn't get it or he doesn't care. I don't think either of them really give a shit about how their relationship affects anyone else. I'm sure they don't care how I feel being the one who has to work so hard to keep things going forward while they play and have fun.
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Motivation for Bratty Behavior

Aug. 2nd, 2006 at 9:25 AM

I don't get it...never have. Why behave in any manner other than with dignity and decorum? Why choose to be deliberately bratty...to deliberately disobey...to deliberately flout the authority you claim to crave?

And on the other side...why accept such behavior from someone who has said to you, "I want to be under your authority"?
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Aug. 2nd, 2006

11:26 AM

Just my pals:
Sir Winston Churchill
Posted in [info]qotdrss on 2006.08.02 at 12:29

http://www.quotationspage.com/quotes/Sir_Winston_Churchill
"I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."

Wow...i've certainly felt this way LOL.
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Things I Hate

Aug. 2nd, 2006 at 11:40 AM

Things I hate:

Being the only one in the room working (when others claim to serve the one I serve and are present).
Being told to clean up the play space after Sir plays with someone else.
Being ignored.
Being told not to be invisible then being ignored.
Being responsible for someone else's refusal to take personal responsibility.
Being forced to witness the constant attention-seeking behavior of another knowing that should I behave in that manner I would be severely punished.
Being responsible for footing the bill for things, having someone tell me they think it's wrong that I do so, but then having the same person take money from me in the form of accepting gifts/services/gas from a third person knowing full well that the money comes from me.

Basically this all breaks down to this...I hate the inequality inherent in power exchange relationships which involve more than two people.

And YES, I'm feeling a little bitchy today...blame it on a lack of sleep and an enormous pile of work waiting for me at the house.

11:36 AM

Just my pals:
Robert Frost
Posted in [info]qotdrss on 2006.07.26 at 12:50

http://www.quotationspage.com/quotes/Robert_Frost
"The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them."

How appropriate! I was just thinking something along these lines today as the following situation unfolded:

Person 1: I miss you and you never spend time with me.
Person 2: I have a lot of work that has to be done on a deadline. I will have to keep things brief and would be better if not until after deadline.
Person 1: Cry, wheedle, whine
Person 2: Fine, I'll drop everything and drive 3 hours to see you despite my work and the deadline.

Person 1 feels no guilt because of course person 3 is at home and will of course make certain said deadline is met. Person 1 would never consider putting their happy ass in a car and driving to Person 2 to help because well, Person 1 knows Person 2 has absolutely no expectations of them and therefore never has to actually work.

End catty, bitchy thought of the day.

Well, I had a wonderful time at the M/s conference. I finally got to meet someone a friend has been telling me stories about for years and he was just as wonderful as said friend told me he would be! Woof!

I have to admit the weekend was a little strange. Wandering around without a lot of rush and responsibility was odd. Several times my heart kinda stopped as I suddenly wondered where I was supposed to be and where J was...then I remembered...no responsiiblities...no Sir to look after...free to wander without a schedule...so I'd go and make sure Miss V was drinking water and had eaten something more substantial than a cup of coffee LOL.

I schmoozed and met lots of really nice folks. Some poor vanilla old lady in the bar (I was waiting for Miss V's lunch to be ready) wanted to take a picture of my bag which said "Ask me about $80 whips! TheWhipChick.com" I thought it was cute so of course I said "Sure, feel free" and she did...with her little kodak disposable LOL. I wasn't purposely scaring the 'nillas! Honest!

As usual neither Master Scott nor slavette would deign to acknowledge that they've ever met me before...for crying out loud, I've made sure to say hello at every event I see them at. I've been in their home. I contributed items to their title year travel fund fundraisers. But they don't know me and barely deign to nod regally in my direction when I say hello.

The Crucible was interesting. There were fewer people there than I had expected there to be. But it was interesting to watch what was going on and chat with people and throw whips in a space that large. I did sell one whip while I was there...in between teaching folks to throw and dodging the strange little man who took it upon himself to follow us around and tell us the history of the DC scene :).

In all, I got a chance to relax. I got to hang out with a good friend. I got to see Miss V in all her glory with her library (to which I will be making art contributions). I got to meet new folks, see folks I know, and have fun. It was a good weekend all around.

No I just need to get ready for Ms/Mr World....sigh...

What goes through my mind...

Jul. 5th, 2006 at 10:29 AM

A lot of things have been rolling around in my brain lately. A lot of those things make me cry and/or make me sad and leave me wondering what I'll do next.

I didn't want to fall in love. I fought it for as long as I could because I didn't want the pain again. Every time I've opened my heart and sould I've been hurt so I tried to separate myself, divide myself...servant and woman...two different things. But love was demanded nearly as much as obedience and so I trusted and I loved. And now I cry, again...

I used the dreaded "f" word several times recently...It isn't fair...I was shown that what I'd dreamed of, what I'd thought could only exist in fantasy was possible...that I could live as a slave and be happy doing it...nothing less than that will ever be enough again and I can hate hinm for showing me that and taking it away.

I guess I really don't know how to hold back any part of myself. I really am a kind of all or nothing person.

I keep wondering if I'm the only sucker in the mess. If everyone but me knew my life, position, and relationship had changed...and everyone else was just waiting for me to wake up and realize it.

And I can't seem to shake that last ugly question...what the hell is wrong with me that what I offer (despite being everything I am and have to give) is never enough?

This weekend's revelations have left me in a place I find unclear and deeply sad. I don't know what to do now.

I figure my options really are these:
Go on as we have been, giving my service without having certain physical and emotional needs met, until my spirit is broken enough for me to just let go.
Find ways to get those physical and emotional needs met outside my primary relationship and continue to serve him.
End it and go back to my solitary existance while I search for someone else who will likely take my service but find some reason why I would not be enough to fulfill his needs and therefore put me in the same position I am in now.
I was thinking yesterday that maybe if he'd be willing to be a little more affectionate, be willing to let me find a lover from time to time I could do this by not going with him when he visited with Lady V, but each time I thought this the rational part of me who isn't aching because my heart is broken says, "but that's just temporary...what are you going to do when he marries her?"

I don't want to end up living in someone else's basement, used for the service I provide and forgotten when service isn't needed.

The worst of all this is the emotional lie I've lived. I didn't make this relationship what it is to me without his input. At some point he chose to change the relationship and didn't tell me. I felt the emotional distance and I asked about it but I was assured that everything was fine...but then he stopped being affectionate. He stopped touching me, just kind of wandered off.

He kept asking me, "Are you okay with my relationship with Lady V." as though he'd given me enough information about that relationship to know whether I was okay or not. I remember sitting on the couch before he left for Lady V's birthday and he "slipped" and said he'd fallen head over heels for her. My heart broke in front of him and he immediately stammered...I didn't mean it THAT way.

I should have known...should have done something when I overheard him say something about marrying Lady V on the phone to someone. It isn't even that I want to marry him...I really don't think I'll ever marry again...but to know his heart was that far gone from me...that I'd never have what I believed our relationship to be from the beginning...

I know, too, that none of this is Lady V. It could have been anyone and I'd be just as devistated. I guess that as much as service means to me...being "just a slave" isnt' going to work for me. I want, need and deserve to be loved...not just appreciated.

I keep fighting that ugly question...what is wrong with me that the men I choose find me lacking after only a short time...that they feel compelled to go outside the relationship to find things without talking to me and finding out whether or not I can offer the same or similar things.

I actually understand his need to be with other dominants and understand the attraction of a dominant woman. And had he not removed the physical and emotional ties to me when he formed them with Lady V, this issue would be moot.

I'm not even angry right now...just indescribably sad. I keep trying to untangle my life from him and keep finding new ways I can't. My heart can't take him living in this house but I can't throw him out either. What would happen with NC Edge (I have all the money...I'd never keep it). What about the businesses? What about the order we need to send out?

In the car on the way home yesterday he offered to help me find another master. I think that was the saddest thing I've heard him say. He'd "help" this new master with skills, etc...take him under his wing...as though that would make it better that it wasn't him.

It would be so much easier to hate him. To be a bitch and throw him out of my house and my life and let him find his own way. But I can't do that. At the same time each time I look across the room and see him I want to cry. I can't live like that.

So i've come full circle. I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to do it right

Jul. 2nd, 2006 at 4:32 AM

I don't know how to separate my service and my emotions. I don't know how to find enough in service to be whole without having my emotional and even physical needs met. And right now I don't know how to stop crying.

I've cried nearly all day. And when I wasn't crying, I was trying not to cry because I don't want to hurt anyone else. I don't want to ruin anyone else's weekend. I don't want my pain to be anyone else's problem.

It's 4:30 in the morning and I can't sleep because when I lay down all I can think about is being alone in this basement...the only person in the house sleeping alone because everyone else here is with someone who loves them.

I just want to go home. I want to get in the car and drive right now...leave everything that hurts here and start over again. Take the "I told you so's" from my mother and my friends and start all over again.

I can't do this. I really believed I could. I like these women so much but I deserve to be loved not just appreciated for what I can do. I DESERVE THAT...i deserve that...i deserve that.