Something came up this evening that I need to talk with you about. I didn't like the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that the topic left me with.

We haven't discussed certain things…expectations I have of a relationship…and that is a part of what bothered me this evening.

R was talking to Colleen, from the Labor Day party…they've been talking a lot. She asked if I knew you had IM'd her. I did know…you had asked me for her screen name. I just never thought to ask what you had chatted with her about.

I won't gainsay you. I have no right to say who you can and cannot see, nor would I want to do that. I just want to ask that you please tell me if you are seriously considering playing with someone. It's part of my ability to make informed decisions. I don't want or need details, just basic information. If you tell me these things, I don't have that momentary flinch that is an artifact from having been lied to so many times.

I told you once that I would never promise not to get jealous. That usually it was a momentary thing that might need a bit of reassurance from you, but that I would be okay. I know you like to flirt and while the twinges have been there, I've been okay. But I've also seen how surprised you've been that so many women find you appealing in our circle of friends and I wonder if perhaps you feel as though you chose me too hastily and are missing out on something better.

I guess I'm asking two things here…
1. Please let me know if you are seriously considering another play partner.
2. Please just tell me, "Everything is okay."

I'm sorry to be so difficult. I'm afraid and fear makes me behave this way.

I thought about this subject on my way home today...no radio in the car.

As much as I would rather lie and say what I did was not intentional disobedience...I can't. While it was not initially a conscious decision, it became so the minute I realized I hadn't done what you requested. For that I have no excuse and can only apologize for my behavior.

I will do as you requested, flaming cheeks (the upper ones) be damned. If you feel it is necessary to punish me, I will, of course, accept your decision. I was wrong and can do nothing more than admit it and change any future instances of such behavior.

I still haven't slept. I'm feeling wide awake right now.

I hope you had a safe trip. Let me know when you are home. I miss you already (I know...we just spent most of a day together...call me a glutton).

Thursday Morning

Sep. 5th, 2002 at 8:36 AM

I'm doing far better today. My brain feels a lot more balanced and I'm caught up on a lot of my work and with the munch cancelled on saturday, i'll be able to get completely caught up.

I know there were things I wanted to talk about but right now I can't think of them. I'll have some time later today to sit down with my palm and type up whatever comes to mind.
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Sep. 5th, 2002

9:56 PM

What was I saying about feeling better? I got to Lumberton to have a document notarized and when I went out to my car to leave, the damned thing wouldn't shift out of park again. I called R at 4 and he said they were still working on it. At this point, we don't even have enough money in our checking account to cover the labor charges. I guess I'll have to call my mother and ask if I can borrow some money until the end of the month when I get paid. I hate doing that It makes me feel like a failure. Like I can't make it on my own as an adult.

And, although I don't know the details yet, April showed up on our doorstep right about the time I called R to tell him about the car. The more I think about her propensity toward inappropriate behavior, the more I wonder why we put up with her for as long as we did. You don't just show up at someone's home. If you want to talk to them, call, send an email, whatever. Don't drive and hour down and back to their home with no warning whatsoever.

I wanted so much to write about happier things today. I wanted to tell you I was feeling better and getting caught up on work. I wanted to tell you that I'd love to see you this weekend, but tomorrow is really the only day our schedules would be compatible and now I'm sure it'll be taken up with the damned car. Of course, we probably won't be going to Asheboro now...no money for gas. I just want to sit down somewhere and bang my head against a wall. It seems to be the most productive thing I could possibly do right now.

I talked to R. The tracker is home but not entirely fixed. I do have an option...I may be able to take it to the FTCC automotive classes to have it fixed and it wouldn't cost us the $200-1500 the dealership wants. In the meantime, I need to see about getting another sticker for the car so I don't have to get searched every time I drive onto base in the Aspire. The only good thing was that R didn't have to pay the dealership any more money.

Did I ever tell you how much I love the taste of you? Your mouth always tastes so wonderful. The rest of you ain't half bad either :P.

My mind is working in about thirty directions right now. I'm sorry to dump all this on you like this, but if I don't get it out, it'll fester and get worse. I'll feel better soon. I always do.

I hope I'll be able to see you at some point this weekend. I'm guessing you have off tomorrow and work Saturday morning to Sunday morning. I know you want to visit your family too.

At some time I'm going to get up the nerve to talk to you and ask you about your deployment status...To be frank it scares the hell out of me. You asked me the other night how I felt about you...I told you the truth. I care about what happens to you. I've let you into my life and you're now on the "Worry About" list :). There are issues that "non-traditional" relationships have when it comes to difficult times...I don't want to talk about this right now...I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up if I wasn't ready to talk about it.

We need to talk about what you want from me as far as the shapeshifting ideas go. I can point you toward some information and I can write a guided meditation for you if you like, but I don't know what else you want or need. I would strongly suggest that you look into some shammanism texts (you know i'm happy to loan you any that I have). I know you don't have a lot of time for reading (unless they'll let you read on CQ. If that is the case, I can cover the books or loan you my cloth book covers so that only truly nosey people will know what you are reading.

You know, I'd like to meet Bob and Sandy (wasn't that his wife's name?). Bob is on the Sandhills list as hotdragoninnc@yahoo.com. I thought I remembered that id from Sunny and Paula's Fayetteville Swinger's list. Perhaps Sandy and I might work together on the shapeshifter stuff for you.

I think I've rambled enough for one day. This post has no continuity. I guess I'll quit for now. I miss you and hope to hear from you. Pat Brandon for me.
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Last night, I stopped at Lowes Foods on the way home...the tracker is still in the parking lot. The brake-light switch has apparently gone bad and it won't shift out of park.

Now, this morning, I find out that April has been blabbing to others about what happened here on Monday. That was the last straw...she's no longer welcome in our home or at any of our events. I will be drafting an email at some point today. It's not safe t have her in attendance if she's going to tell anyone who was here or what went on.

My head hurts...

I took the day of, so I won't be going to Fayetteville today. I hope to have the car fixed soon. I'll probably have to take R's car tomorrow...hassle and a half having to get checked at the gate.

I'm so tired today. We didn't get to sleep last night (this morning) until after 5. I hope you made it home safely.

I've been thinking about why I got so upset last night. I honestly don't know. I know I was thinking about how decidedly uncomfortable and embarassing your request would be, but it also terrified me. If you want to know that I think of you throughout the day, are there other ways to do it? I don't like feeling that I've disappointed you or like i'm pushing you to do something in a way you'd rather not, but the mere thought of what you asked last night has me in tears again and I don't even know for sure why.

I think the lack of sleep has left me overly emotional. I think I'm going to try to go back to sleep. I got up at 9:30 when R's alarm went off and finished my lecture for my training class and posted it. I'm honestly too tired to give serious consideration to the discussion in the class so I'm not even going to attempt it yet.

I did have a couple of questions:
1. Do you want me to call and let you know when I've arrived and/or am leaving Fayetteville?
2. Will you please consider a different option for knowing that you're on my mind throughout each day? I don't like telling you "no," but I just can't do it. Something about that request raises an irrational terror in me and I can't get past that right now.

I'll be leaving between 1 and 2...you should be able to reach my cell phone by 2.
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Sep. 3rd, 2002

10:15 PM

I'm sorry to have worried you today. Just as you know you periodically have times when you need to be alone, I know I periodically have times when the world feels like it has rolled over me and left behind little more than a tiny smudge.

Usually these episodes are preceded by stressful events. R's unemployment runs out on Wednesday of next week. His business isn't doing well and he hasn't looked for a job outside the business in four months. He made $900 last month and we can't live on that. Add to my worries on that front the feeling that I'm pushing myself as far and fast as I can to help take up the slack while he argues with people on some list online and the stress levels boil over. I know my statement above isn't the full truth. I also know that it is harsher than I would ever actually say to him. I don't want to anger you by sharing these things, I just want you to understand what set me off and running this morning.

Yes, the thought of the request you made yesterday terrified me, but that was an amplified reaction. Mostly I think my body needed a physical release of the tension I've been allowing to build for weeks and the crying was as good a way as any.

Now for the "bad" news. I did not do what you asked me to do as far as the anal training. You told me to use the plug three times each day and I did not do it at all today.

It embarasses the heck out of me to even think about it, to be absolutely honest. If I ask R to help me, he takes it as an invitation to have sex. If I don't, I have to explain why I don't want his help but I need some privacy. He almost never leaves the house before I do. I have very little privacy and this is something I feel requires privacy. I'm not saying I won't do it. I'm just telling you what is going on in my head. You wanted honesty...I will not hold things back or lie to you.

As for the anal experience from last night...it surprised the heck out of me that it didn't hurt. I know it is hard for me to relax enough for you to use my body this way because I am focused on maintaining control over my orgasm. There was something incredibly sensual about the feel of you sliding slowly into my body.


The orgasm control is hard for me. I fight it with each movement of your body. You are a skillful lover with a determined strength and sensual style. I could spend hours under you, above you, beside you and in front of you. I hope that my lack of "enthusiasm" isn't a problem. It certainly isn't an accurate representation of how you make me feel. Rather it is my iron control asserting itself.

Have I mentioned I'm a control freak? There are certain parts of my life in which I must maintain total control in order to feel safe. With you, I offer alll of them up and am left with only controlling my body to please you. It is an interesting dichotomy. I surrender control to you and you ask me to maintain it.

Have you ever heard of sub-drop or Dom-drop...it is the depressive feelings that often arise after an intense D/s scene. It can be experienced by either Dom or sub and the outcome is often similar to the triggers I had this morning. Yesterday was a particularly intense day for me. Prior to your arrival I was the hostess...an equal to all in attendance. When you arrived, there was a paradigm shift for me. Suddenly I belonged to you and not myself. The change in thought process hit when I realized what I had done in getting the bowl for Chris without asking your permission. The later physical aspects...I'm not one for public play of a sexual nature...it is embarassing for me, yet your desire to have me pleasure you overrode my usual prim self and I set to the task without a thought for the others in the room...that was a big step for me.

I think some of my depression and melancholy today may be a form of sub-drop. I know that talking with you and seeing you made me feel much better. I wasn't fishing for an invite...not overtly at least...but seeing you made a big difference.

I'm still exhausted and still a little down...there are so many factors contributing to my state of mind right now that I am going to feel down for a little bit...but I am feeling a lot better. Thank you for understanding. I'm trying very hard to obey you...I'm trying not to stress. I can't promise never, but I can promise to do all in my power to reduce my stress levels.

I'm sitting here reading the latest issue of Domsub Lifestyles ezine. (http://www.domsublifestyle.com/home.html). They have some really good writers working for them. I've been enjoying the ezine for several months. This month's topics seem to focus on the Dominant. I need to send the link to Sunny for him to read the tips and discussions. He's been doing a lot of reading lately.

I will be wearing one of my denim dresses today unless I hear from you before then and you want me to wear something else. Of course, I'll be happy to change clothes after your arrival to whatever you want me to wear.

I will put my collar on when I dress and meet you at your car with my leash. I'm getting so spoiled seeing you so often :). It's been wonderful to hear in your voice that you want to see me...that you aren't just seeing me because it's been two weeks and I'm getting antsy. And I smile every time you call me babe :D.

Well, I need to get my tuchas in gear...get the vacuuming done and litter boxes cleaned. Folks will be here sooner than I think ;). Sleep well. I'll see you soon.

Sunday Morning

Sep. 1st, 2002 at 9:45 AM

I feel so sluggish this morning. Almost lethargic. Someone would think I'd been up too late last night :).

I had a wonderful evening with you. I'm so glad you and R had the chance to talk "shop." It is important to me that the two of you get along well. He likes you, trusts you with me...he was impressed with how you treat me.

I'm still feeling loggy...like my head is floating. Too much of a good thing I think :D.

It was good to just talk last night. We seem to think alike on a lot of subjects. I wanted to tell you how much it means to me that you've set limits and boundaries and stick to them. If for some unforeseen reason I should suddenly get "bratty," the likely root cause is feeling my boundaries have changed and searching for them. If I feel myself leaning that way, I will mention it.

I wanted to again tell you that the DP was not something that was imperative. R was laughing last night as he admitted that unless we find someone who has no legs, he's unlikely to be able to acomplish it himself. It's something that can remain in the "fantasy" category :).

As for the threesome...I think our immediate best bet will be Theresa. She's the most stable woman I know who would be available for something like that. I'll let you meet her on Monday. Then the likely best course of action would be for me to ask if she were interested and for you to then ask Keith if he would share her (he does share Theresa...both when he's involved and when he isn't...it would be a respect thing). After Theresa, I'll have to look. I know a couple of other women who would be available, but are unsuitable because they're a little too neurotic.

We'll see if you like Theresa and if not, we'll go from there.

Hope you have a good day at work. Looking forward to seeing you again tomorrow (i'm getting spoiled...seeing you so much...I love it!).
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Thoughts after reading something

Sep. 1st, 2002 at 8:52 PM

I get the articles from Jack Rinella's site sent to my email. He's a gay Master who writes for the community. His writing is often insightful and always honest and forthright.

I was reading his essay, "Things to Know About Training a Slave" and smiling all the way. So much of his advice is present in how you treat me, speak to me, expect things of me, etc. It was just nice to see someone else who believed you were doing things so right.

We spoke a little last night of how there are fakes on both sides of the aisle. Being with you, hearing your expectations and knowing that you will hold to them has only intensified my belief that my life in the BDSM community has thus far been plagued by fakes.

I know this likely sounds like "sucking up," but that isn't the case actually. It's hard for me to express to you how much it means to know that your expectations of me and my behavior don't change from one moment to the next. To know that if I did misstep, either intentionally or accidentally, you would correct it appropriately.

I'm rambling, I think. Getting tired. BTW...you'll have to tell me a little more specifically how you like your coffee. I get the feeling I messed it up last night.