The weekend at SELF was absolutely fantastic. The event itself is kind of a blur, but my emotional response to the weekend as a whole is not.

I was GREAT! I was funny. I was personable. I was approachable. I was THERE. There was no hiding, no making myself invisible or stepping out of the way for folks and so there was no time when I disconnected from J and therefore I was comfortable and safe.

This is huge for me. The absolute refusal to step aside (despite at least one somewhat pushy person who would have loved for me to behave in the manner I did when I last saw them) made the entire difference between the emotional wreck I was after Phoenix and how I feel this morning.

J helped so much. I know he was feeling pulled in so many directions all weekend and yet there were enough times when I looked across a room and saw him to find him seeking me too that I didn't for one second feel disconnected.

Lady V is fantabulous! I knew that before this weekend, but being able to spend the kind of time with her that we did this weekend cemented that particular opinion and chased off any last demons attached to the fear that has been fading in me since the week after Labor Day.

Fear of the unknown can always wreck my emotional state. There isn't an unknown anymore. Lady V is a wonderful and caring woman I would be proud to call family. When Miss V toasted to blended families a little voice in me said, "Yep. I can be happy with that for sure."

I met so many great people this weekend. Master C won the contest and we got to help (and scream ourselves hoarse from the audience when he and J and Lady V were all on stage...so HOT). Master C's family is wonderful and I hope we get to see them again at Ms. World.

In all, being somewhat of a social butterfly, probably for the first time in my life, was really a lot of fun. I met people. I made them laugh. Although I still had people ask me if I was "ok." I have no idea why...for heaven's sake, there was an enormous smile on my face 99% of the weekend. The other 1%, I was sleeping LOL.

I'll write more when we get home. Just wanted to say how fabulous the weekend was.

Mulling things over

Jun. 7th, 2006 at 9:16 AM

I have gotten some substantial comments from the post I made on Monday night and I first wanted to let folks know that I'm not ignoring anyone. I truly appreciate the feedback...it's just taking some time to process it.

The post from Monday was pretty free-form and was really the first I've written about the highly emotional things which began in Phoenix. There are still a few things too tender for me to write about yet...a little distance makes things much more manageable when they're that big.

Also, that post got stopped (I was writing while students worked on an in-class assignment) before it was truly done.

Some things I'm working on and with:

1. Standing up and saying I need something and facing the fear that I'll be told no or what I want isn't important.
Fear is my worst enemy and I know that. Truthfully after APEX and the weekend after that, J and I had a long talk (part of which is the stuff above I'm just not ready to write about). One of the things we talked about and subsequent behavior has shown he heard was that little reassurances make an enormous difference to my state of mind. Knowing he heard and has incorporated what he heard into things makes it much easier for me to ask for things now than it was previously.
2. Accepting and believing in the value placed on my service.
Sometimes I let myself get overwhelmed or over-utilized. J has told me over and over how much he values me and my service. I need to believe him. I also need to believe him when he tells me that it's okay to let him know when I have too much on my plate.
3. Learning to stop isolating myself.
This is something which has come up a few times between me and J. Yes, good service is often invisible, but I need to stop making myself invisible. I need to trust my station and position and stand up for it rather than always stepping back and away.
4. Reminding myself of what others have told me previously and most recently in relation to Monday's post...It is my responsibility to give J my thoughts, feelings, etc. so he can decide what to do with or about them.
This one is so hard for me to let go of. I have spent so much of my life weighing what I need against the needs of others and short changing my own needs because they weren't "important" enough. I know I need to give J the right to say yes or no to me and that by not sharing things with him I am robbing him of that right. I know that...really...R beat that into my head a few months ago and I got it again yesterday (thank you so much, btw...still processing that entire email which has now been forwarded).

Ultimately I guess I need to say this: I'm generally very happy where I am. I have the normal, everyday frustrations which come with any relationship which are sometimes compounded by the power exchange and sometimes lifted by it. Other than that...I'm just figuring stuff out as it comes along and since this relationship is so unlike any other I've ever shared with anyone, surprises smack me from time to time. The way I felt in Phoenix was one of those times.

Thanks again for the feedback. I'm going now to work on some stuff and those who sent feedback will hear from me :).

Random Thoughts

Jun. 5th, 2006 at 8:25 AM

It's been a good weekend. Got lots done (though the whip plaiting is ticking me off...I don't have the right number of plaits for the outer plaiting so it looks funny), spent quality time with J and generally feel pretty balanced.

I need to squeeze time into my schedule to go to the gym again. My body feels sluggish and my weight is beginning to creep up. I refuse to let that happen. I just need to talk to J and explain how important those couple of hours a day are to me and my health.

Headed to the leather store today to order the dies to have floggers cut out by machine. That will make our lives so much easier. Also going to have laces cut for the pineapple knots and the underlayment for those knots.

Well, gotta go wake him up and get us going...he's snoozing in the shower.

Need to pick up the cleaning, get the laundry going and start packing...we leave for SELF at the crack of dawn Friday.

Gotta Love Epiphanies!

Jun. 3rd, 2006 at 8:48 PM

It's interesting how often seeing something from another's point of view can clarify something in your own thought process.

I adore throwing whips. I don't throw them at people or targets, but the act of moving the muscles to build the energy to generate the crack is something that is so wonderful I have trouble expressing it. Because I know I will likely never use a whip the way they are often used in the lifestyle, I get self-conscious about throwing them. Why should I 'waste time" working with something that I won't use as it was intended...that's what I often think when I pick up a whip and work with it.

But reading something in another journal made me realize something. Throwing a whip is manipulaing energy...something I have done actively since I was 8 years old. While I'm not big on the combination of BDSM and Spirituality, the manipulation of energy to create situations in which what one wills is done is something I do understand very well. The whip itself isn't necessarily something spiritual to me, but the movement, the generation of and the focus of energy definitely is spiritual.

Now I can look at a whip and realize that there IS a purpose to my throwing it, even if it isn't necessarily the one those around me see. It is proof to my soul that the energy it thrives on is found in even the strangest places and that the manipulation of that energy to create my desired outcome (even as simple as a crack using my left hand) is an exercise in feeding my soul.

Thank you Ma'am...without even knowing, you really have helped me.

Interesting Thought

Jun. 2nd, 2006 at 9:49 AM

This just came through the Leather Thought for the Day thingie:
Any punishment that does not correct, that can merely rouse rebellion in whoever has to endure it, is a piece of gratuitous infamy which makes those who impose it more guilty in the eyes of humanity, good sense and reason, nay a hundred times more guilty than the victim on whom the punishment is inflicted.

- Marquis Donatien Alphonse François de Sade

I wonder how this applies to punishment for the sake of the amusement of the dominant?

Just stuff

Jun. 2nd, 2006 at 9:45 AM

Found this cool tool for posting to the LJ, so I figured I'd try it out.

Well, I started working on the skill-set building idea I had in Phoenix. I've completed two of the tasks in the first skill-set and I put them up on the "training" area I set up at DOM-Videos. Feel free to check it out HERE.
You'll need to create an account if you want to participate, but it's free and I promise not to spam you.

We should be getting samples of the nylon whips in the mail today. I'm hoping they're great so we can take them to TMG tomorrow to take orders for them. I'd love to have them mostly sold before we even get them in.

I'm also hoping the mail gods have smiled on us and the stock whips from Australia get here before TMG tomorrow. I'm praying they work as fabulously as they look. The photo the whip plaiter sent made them look gorgeous. Now, if they crack and move like a larger whip would, they're gonna make us a ton of money! If not, we're screwed. Such is the nature of business I suppose.

I have emotional things to write about too, but I don't think I'm quite ready to work with them yet. I need a little more distance before writing these things will be productive rather than counter-productive. Suffice to say that as of right now I'm happy and comfortable with my station and I'm finding ways to stay that way.

Feeling super bitchy today

Apr. 22nd, 2006 at 11:28 AM

Last night we went to the Gathering. It was basically the same scenario as every other time K is around.

I was already having a bad day...taking too much to heart small corrections and criticisms throughout the day...so I was in no mood for the attention-seeking SAM behavior in the first place.

When every other word out of J's mouth is K, I find myself cringing and finding ways to become invisible. Watching him "reward" her bratty behavior makes me want to smack them both. It doesn't matter if he makes her cry by sticking a needle in her breast for having broken the "no profanity" protocol, she still thrives on it. She bragged about it in the alt chatroom when she got home, so it couldn't have been that bad.

Then I'm finally getting a chance to talk to him, to let him reassure me that even when I'm invisible, he notices, and who comes along and plops her happy ass down on the sofa across from us? I always leave them alone when I see they're talking. I always try to stay out of the way to give them time together without me interfering. This one time when I was obviously upset and talking to J and she can't give me the courtesy of leaving us alone for five fucking minutes.

Then I find out that instead of traveling with us (and maybe even helping while we travel) when we go to Phoenix in May, she's leaving a day early to "spend time" with some woman there she's been dying to play with for ages. So, no help, and a big opportunity to embarrass the hell out of us by misbehaving before we even get there.

Today she tells me for the fifth time that we MUST remember some toys for this woman in Phoenix. I told her to ask the person who has them for the toys and pack then. I get this snotty attitude that she wasn't asking me to remember or pack them, just telling someone so she'll remember. Bullshit. She's hoping I'll ask the person who has them and pack them so she won't have to remember any more.

She's on the staff for the Gathering. She barely helped set up and left before it was over so guess who had to help clean up? I'm NOT on the damned staff.

Fuckit...I'm just bitching now.