I had an epiphany

Sep. 17th, 2006 at 8:16 AM

a few days ago and due to the activities we've been engaged in for the past week, I didn't have a chance to write it down.

It dawned on me (have I mentioned I can be a little slow?) that I was focusing on the parts of my relationship which didn't work and making them worse by doing so rather than nurturing the parts of the relationship which nurtured me.

I admit that I don't always make the best relationship decisions. However, there were things about J which attracted me to him from the moment we met. I'd shoved those things aside recently and that was a bad idea.

J is a good man with a good heart who can be hurt easily because of that good heart. I stomped on him and then wondered why he backed away. I've been working very hard to remedy what I've done and to make sure he knows how much he means to me.

Hard realities about me

Sep. 10th, 2006 at 8:39 AM

I'm learning that I'm really not a very nice person. Now I say that but I don't want anyone to think that learning this is a bad thing. It is quite the opposite.

Sometimes we go through life with a single-mindedness that blocks everything else out. When someone helps you lift your head (out of your ass most times) the result can be painful but worthwhile.

I've done and said some really horrific things recently which I regret immensely. I realize that my own self-focused depression and resentment and anger have been destructive and damaging not only to me but to the people around me. For that I apologize wholeheartedly and hope that with time those I've hurt will come to forgive me.

I've made changes in my thought processes (which are not yet complete but are at least at the conscious level that I can stop myself from continuing the same destructive behavior and thought patterns). I'm finding peace again and trying very hard to remember to say simple things like "Thank you" to those who are most important in my life.

I'm not "cured" by any stretch of the imagination. I still have to fight to put away the initial surges of resentment that come from certain situations. I have to learn to speak up for what I want and need and face being rejected rather than remaining silent in order to not be told no.

I don't like to make excuses for my behaviors so often I just don't say things that might be construed as excuses. That doesn't mean that the reasoning behind my behavior is not "valid" in the sense that we are creatures of habit. Even bad habits are hard to break because we create pathways of comfort in our minds...even when that comfort is cold and ugly.


Little girls choose their men based on their fathers...at least that is what many of the psychologist and psychobabble nitwits want us to think...I think, to an extent, it is true. I choose men who are, for whatever reason (and this is not an acusation or disparaging remark about these men) emotionally unavailable. I choose men who often accept me and what I give to relationships and then choose to go to others for more. This is a pattern for me that has been this way since my first boyfriend when I was 14. But really it started with my father. He is and has always been distant, passive agressive, and absent. He waited until I was "old enough to handle it" (his words) and then decided he no longer needed to be civil to my mother (they'd been divorced for 5 years at that point) and essentially left me for his new wife (stopped summer visitations, shortened weekend visitations, made no time for just me and him). I see that pattern of behavior in nearly every relationship I've ever had with a man. And I'm finally realizing it is me who has the skewed vision of what relationships should and can be.

I don't speak up because when I asked my father why I couldn't spend more time with him, I was told it would make someone else feel bad.
I don't reach out for physical contact with men because when I did reach for my father's hand, I got the stiff armed, keep me at a distance body language.

And it wasn't just my father who taught me to stay silent, to subjugate my desires in favor of other, to keep my distance. Other relationshps have contributed.


The point now is to stop doing all these things. To trust that J is as I believed he was when I met him...a man of integrity and strength. To remember that dominant or no, owner or no, man or no...he is HUMAN first and the things which happen in his life affect how he feels, and how he reacts to others, including me. And to remember that I'm human too. I make mistakes but I can make changes to avoid making those same mistakes again and again.

The most destructive emotion

Aug. 31st, 2006 at 8:56 AM

is not love or hate, it is hope.

Think about it. How many times has hope been the reason a man or a woman stayed in an abusive relationship? How many times has hope been the reason a couple stays together long after they don't love each other anymore? And how many times has an s-type hitched themselves to an unsuitable (for them) d-type because of hope?

I find myself at a cross roads and wondering how much of what is going through my head is a result of hope. I hope I can find a way to be happy. I hope he can find a way to forgive me. Sometimes I don't even know what I hope.

Assumptions

Aug. 23rd, 2006 at 9:23 AM

Kinda stolen fromarchers_elegant
When I tell people I'm tired, they always assume I'm upset.
When I tell people I'm venting, they always assume I need them to take what I'm getting rid of seriously.
When I tell people I'm okay with poly relationships, they always assume I am lying.
When I tell people I'm fine, they always assume J upset me in some way.
When I tell people I'm just quiet, they always assume I'm cold and/or indifferent.


Assumptions are strange things. I know that people who meet me only in highly structured situations like big leather events where J is also in attendance assume that I'm either cold or upset when the truth is that I am 1) shy around new people and big crowds and 2) really very busy trying to balance both my obligations and J's. Add to those two things the fact that our schedule is usually such that I get very little sleep leading up to and during any leather event and I look and feel exhausted in addition to being intimidated by the crowds and "big name" people I spend my days around at such events.

It bothers me that so many people look at me and think J has done some horrible thing to make me sad. Truth be know, sure he can be a jerk, but more often than not my demeanor is a result of being painfully shy, uncomfortable around people I don't know (especially since the leather community seems to be such a "toucy-feely-huggy" group and I don't particularly like being touched by people I don't know...I used to cry when the man measured my feet for new shoes for heaven's sake) and being just flat out exhausted.

For those of you I will see at World...please understand that right now my house is a disaster area because we're desperately trying to get enough products completed to make a decent showing as a vendor. I have half the number of whips I wanted to take with me because I've sold so many since I got back from the M/s conference. I still haven't packed. I still have laundry to do. I still have to come in to work tomorrow before we leave. I'm a little more than stressed and that stress is going to triple when I get to Philly where I'm responsible for the vending, keeping J on schedule, helping the other J and J understand our book-keeping and credit card software, being personable as a gold sponsor...etc. etc. etc. If I look harried or tired, I am but it's not anyone's fault.

Back to WW

Aug. 18th, 2006 at 8:51 AM

Ok, so after the "You need to start your diet again" comment from J I went through about two weeks of defensive eating. It's a thing I know I do and have done since child hood where I eat what I know is awful as a "fuck you" to whomever said I was fat.

Then I kicked myself in the head. NO ONE is worth me getting sick again, getting fatter again.

So I'm back on WW and i've lost 3 lbs already this week (WW was nearly effortless weight loss for me when I was compulsive about counting points and getting to the gym...exactly what i've been doing all week).

Then J decides to do stupid things like...I politely decline his offer of a piece of candy and I get "I didn't ask if you wanted it, I told you to have it." So I tear off a piece and choke it down...We're walking to McD's yesterday (long story...all day at a place) and he says "So you want some double cheeseburgers, right?" I say, no thank you and I get, "What, you're not hungry?" No, I'm hungry but I don't intend to eat cheesburgers.

I will make this happen. Despite and in spite of him and his sabbotage.

I've been feeling resentful and angry for a while. J sleeps all day and fucks around on the computer when he's awake, leaving me to worry about getting things done for world in addition to the daily grind of incessently cleaning up after him (he refuses to throw anything away, just leaves piles of crap for me to pick up), cook, clean etc.

Last evening he decides finally to go to Lowes to scope out display options for vending. In the car he starts talking to me about the man who killed himself. We get to lowes and as we're walking up to the store i see activity that looks like the store is on the verge of closing. I phased out on half a sentence and asked him to repeat it. He refused and then chose to not speak to me again while we were in lowes, in the car, in the ice cream shop (because I'd mentioned in the house that Coldstone made something he'd like and while I didn't want ice cream I thought he would) and until about 20 minutes after we got home when he finally asked what was wrong with me.

If he'd never made me repeat myself because whatever he saw on his fucking computer screen was so much more important than what I could possibly be saying to him, I could understand getting annoyed that I missed half a sentence.

So I tell him I'm tired of being shut out. That because I lost half a sentence he decided not to talk to me anymore. I get "It's not the easiest topic for me to talk about and I was ready to quit talking about it then." He didn't really speak to me the rest of the night.

The dog is sleeping between us on the couch. He starts playing with him and then says, "Go get mommy. Mommy needs love." I sure as fuck do and I most certainly didn't want or need it from the fucking dog right then.

I spent about half an hour crying in the bathroom...even ran a bath and soaked in the hot water while I cried. I come out and sit at my computer and he gets up, rifles through the box of metal restraints that arrived earlier that day.

"It's been a while since you felt like a slave, hasn't it" is all he says before putting handcuffs on me and a heavy stainless steel color. Then he walks away, sits down with his computer again and says "go about your business."

Well, if being uncomfortable and having even the smallest thing be an inconvenience (ever attempt to type with handcuffs on? I was taking an order from a friend online) is what it feels like to be a slave, then, no, it hasn't been very long since I last felt that way. I feel that way every fucking day.

I finally give up on the computer when the order is complete and the friend signs off. I go and sit on the couch. After a phone call, I get "rub my feel" a lovely thing to try to do with handcuffs on. Since that seems to be the only human contact I have with him anymore, I do it. The foot rub abruptly stops the moment fucking kathryn signs on because I have to get up to "check my mail" for registrations for nc edge. The result of her "passing out flyiers and having about 30 people say they were going to sign up after a party she went to"? Not a fucking one...still none this morning as a matter of fact. Something I could have told him without having to get up. By the time I give him the "tally" he's curled his feet up and is engrossed with chatting with kathryn on the computer. I'm relegated back to my space on the other end of the couch.

After I doze off a couple times on the couch he sends me to bed...with the cuffs and collar on. I lay there for an hour until my hands have fallen asleep but I haven't and go back to the living room to ask that he please take the cuffs off. He argues with me until he feels my hands and how cold they are. Then it's back to bed where I lay for another half hour before I finally give up, get up and take a sleeping pill.

I don't know what his purpose for this exercise was. But if it was to make me feel even more isolated and distant, it worked wonders. If it was to once again point out that I am nothing more than a convenience and toy, it was highly successful.

The Ultimate in Selfish

Aug. 11th, 2006 at 8:44 AM

A man I knew briefly killed himself yesterday. His slave called us at just after 9 to get the number for another person she wanted to notify.

This isn't the first person I've known who has decided to kill themselves. I'm sadly sure it won't be the last. The difference this time is how angry I am at how selfish this man was.

This man called himself a master. He owned a slave, a woman who obviously loved him very much. He was organizing a fund raiser for a local (to him) community leader dying of cancer. He had responsibilities and committments both personal and professional and rather than face them or ask for help, he took the coward's way out. This may not be a popular view of this tragedy but it is how I feel right now.
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Oh for Christ's Sake, Shut The Fuck Up Already

Aug. 11th, 2006 at 8:53 AM

kathryntact has posted this long-winded whine about how many fucking pills she has to take. You know what? If she'd have been taking her meds the way she's supposed to for the past year rather than just taking what she wanted when she felt like it, she wouldn't be where she is right now.

I stopped feeling sorry for her when she said she was in pain when I realized that had she been taking her meds as prescribed she wouldn't be feeling that way.

What is it that makes people think it's ok to self-medicate? Do they think the instructions from the doctor are just suggestions? And then to whine and complain that they don't feel well when they don't take their meds the right way is just fucking obnoxious.

I pray to god J doesn't decide to feel bad for her and invite her back to my house again this weekend (or worse, drop everything to drive three hours to her house, leaving behind everything that still needs to be done before we leave for world). Last weekend was plenty, thank you very much. If your friends say they're sorry you have to be at my house because of what you've said to them about me, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE AND DON'T FUCKING COME BACK.

Do I like her? No. Am I civil? Yes. Have I reached the point where it would be best if she was simply no where around me? FUCK YES.

And I mentioned to J yesterday that she's been a twit to Judi too. Judi sent these gorgeous floggers to J. J mentioned that the fire whips he wanted would have been much cheaper. I told J that kathryn freaked the fuck out on Judi when she though Judi might buy those whips for J. Kathryn has yet to give J anything for his birthday, btw.

Can you tell I've reached the end of my rope with this supreme twit?
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