No, the problem isn't safety, sanity or consent. The problem comes in mistaking a description for a prescription. Before anyone said the phrase Safe Sane Consensual SM—decades, even centuries before—bottoms were safe enough to survive and beg for more, couples were sane enough to recognize a good thing and protect their possibilities for continuing to do it, and consent was clearly and obviously known to be essential. That’s why the SM of earlier times was eventually described in the late 1980s as "Safe Sane Consensual." No problem.

It becomes a problem with contemporary efforts to sell that description as a requirement, apply it as a prescription, and to judge one another on the basis of various understandings of what that prescriptive phrase looks or feels like in action. Granted, some of the institutions are gone that were once relied upon to make SM safe, to provide community-wide feedback on the sanity of the members and to double check that consent was being respected. Still, taking a phrase that described the SM world as it once operated and repeating that phrase endlessly will not make SM SSC. Embroidering the phrase on patches, even painting it on 30-foot-wide banners will not save a single scene from becoming unsafe, stop an insane man from doing SM or monitor the necessities of consent.

- Joseph W. Bean, The SSC Mistake

SSC is often touted throughout our community as a measure of how “right” or “wrong” a player may be. Honestly, however, how much of WIITWD can ever be considered safe? Is it safe to hit someone else? Is it safe to allow someone to cut your skin, pierce it, or drop hot wax on it? And as for sanity, that’s definitely relative. What is “sane” for member of our community is often considered deviant or insane by those outside the SM community.

As someone who plays with a “heavy edge player” I get the worried looks from friends, the phone calls or IMs the day after an event which ask, “Are you really okay?” The answer is yes and the reason is simple. Of the three issues—Safe, Sane, and Consensual, I believe the “C” is the most important. I have given the man I serve my consent to use me in the manner which best meets his needs at the time. I also trust him not to permanently break his property. He has proven to me, time and time again that he values me and breaking me would be counter to that valuation.

I’m not a masochist. I don’t like pain. I don’t process it into pleasure and I don’t fly (enter subspace). I serve. Is what I do with the man I serve safe? Not really. Getting hit can do damage. Being cut can leave scars or do other damage. Is it sane? Who knows. My friends seem to think I’ve been a little touched to get involved with someone whose taste in SM activities is so far from what mine have always been. Is it consensual? Absolutely…and that is really all that matters.

The next time you watch a scene and you think to yourself, “Gee, that’s not safe,” consider this: The players are adults. They have agreed to engage in the activity you are viewing and to engage in it where you are permitted to view it. Instead of focusing on your own perceptions and concepts of SSC, remember that the “C” part has been met and the rest is really inconsequential. If you don’t like what you see, walk away and don’t watch. Or stay and learn something about the players and maybe about yourself.

I had an unexpected problem on Monday night that bothered me on several levels. I left for work around 4:15 and came back at about quarter to 8. I immediately made dinner. Bear in mind that at this point, K has been in my home as a guest since Saturday afternoon when she arrived and other than helping me carry things in from the car did little to help get the house ready for the party.

As dinner was cooking I walked through the house and put a few things away…I found J’s belt in the bedroom so I assumed they had played while I was gone. I was a little annoyed because hey, someone might have done the dishes or something while I was at work, but whatever.

Right after dinner, however, I saw something that made me cry. That horribly heavy collar I’d made several years ago to T’s design…the one I wore with him and from which hung an ownership tag…was on the couch.

I saw leather and metal sticking out of a blanket, so I went over to see if it was cuffs (J doesn’t seem to like cuffs much but I was hoping). I’m fairly certain J saw me do this. Then I went into the bathroom and cried. I hadn’t expected it to bother me. I’d offered to loan the collar to R. I didn’t care if clients wore it. But that moment of thinking J had put it on K really hurt me.

When I stopped crying, I took the dog for a walk because I wasn’t ready to deal with the issue yet and didn’t want to do it in front of K at all. When I got back from walking the dog, K was leaving and J and I talked.

I told him I hadn’t expected it to bother me and that was why I hadn’t brought up the origin of that collar. He explained he hadn’t thought for a moment I would have worn something that bulky or heavy. He also told me he’d only used it to hold a blanket over K’s head as a hood, that there’d been no symbolism. Then he told me he’d leave that collar alone…not use it for anything. I’d mentioned taking it apart…destroying it…and he said it would be a waste to do that, but that he’d never use it again.

I’m trying very hard to keep the jealousy monster at bay. I get so much more time with him. I get a much more rounded relationship with him. But sometimes I get resentful of being the only one doing the domestic work, the business work, the work in general when K is here.

I also try not to feel jealous when J plays with K. Our relationship is different…He tells me I don’t feed his demons in the same ways (not that the sadistic side isn’t fed with me, just that they don’t need feeding as often when he’s with me). But I admit to feeling it sometimes.

I also admit to annoyance with K yesterday as she’s telling J about a cutting she wants him to do for her…she’s designed it and wants his initial in it (J, not s2n). The “one-upmanship” kind of stuff like that annoys the daylights out of me. J is trying very hard to be fair about his time and interaction with the two of us when K is around. On Saturday, he did pressure point play with K and teased and played with her on and off all evening while I was playing Suzie Hostess to the other twenty people in the house. Then he did the scene with Joyful. My cutting was not planned but was his way of connecting with me and spending some one-on-one time with me without having to beat on me.

Now, despite the play on Saturday, the constant fighting on Sunday and whatever play they had on Monday while I went to WORK, K feels it’s necessary to ask for a cutting from him.

I know part of this is my own issue with asking for what I want, but at the same time can I not just enjoy what J has done for me without her immediately needing the same from him? Can she not just leave it be? Let me have what I have from him as I let her have what she has with him?

This was something I always hated about the addition of step-sisters to my life when I was 11. Suddenly there was the issue of what would be fair and generally I was the one who was shorted because I wouldn’t complain about it.

I know I’m just whining now so I better stop. This is counter productive anyway. J will do what he wants and anything I say on this particular issue is going to sound harpy-ish and jealous.

Cross another off the list

Feb. 12th, 2006 at 7:42 PM


02112006-cutting
Originally uploaded by shareinnc. of "Never been done..."

This is my first cutting. J cut this flower and his scene name into my left shoulder blade last night.

It HURT...it still hurts...but at the same time it was an amazing experience.

He talked to me as he was getting ready to do this. He talked about the intimate connection between him and me when he put a scalpel in my skin. Then he told me how hard it suddenly was to begin cutting me...how much he cared about me...I think I'm still processing, but I wanted to post this. I'll write more later.


Ok…time to write about the cutting…still feeling like I’m processing, so I have to write it out.

I asked him about it today…asked if it was planned and he said no. It was a way to connect to me, to scene with me and me alone…and ostensibly to mark me as his, I suppose.

Originally he took me up to the play room, laid me down and was rubbing my back a bit…talking to me about things. He asked if I watched the scene he’d done earlier and I told him no. I explained I had been feeling disconnected and could not watch him be that violent when I felt that way. We talked about why I felt disconnected and I think it was then that he decided to do the cutting. He told me to get a blanket and pillows and music and to make sure my back was available to him.

I did so and lay down to wait. He came back up and laid the scalpel and alcohol rub next to me, then went back downstairs. I spent a long time staring at that scalpel. I kept thinking “Freaking out won’t stop this or make it any better…be calm and it will be ok. Trust him.”

He came back eventually with the rest of the stuff needed and then talked to me…asked me if I wanted this…asked me if I wanted to be able to see him (I did) while he worked. He positioned me and then told me not to move, no matter what.

He lay down next to me then and held the scalpel. He looked at me and the transfer and then told me how hard it was to start cutting me. He told me how important I was to him. How much he cared about me. It helped to ease me down a bit to hear these things.

The cutting burned as he pulled the scalpel through my skin. Sometimes it hurt a lot, sometimes it didn’t really hurt at all. A few people came up and watched a moment or two, but soon after he began, J and I were alone. It was almost surreal as J moved around my body, talked to me a little…letting me know when the longer cuts would happen. He held me down sometimes, told me not to move, but mostly I remember him being close to me, feeling his skin against mine, knowing this cutting was important to him…he wanted it to be pretty for me.

The worst of the pain came when after cleaning off the transfer ink J slapped the cutting to bring up the blood to check for missed spots. That was when I cried.

By Monday, the cutting no longer hurt. It’s burned on and off a few times, but no more pain. I’ve found myself touching it from time to time, just to feel how it’s shaped…almost a touch-stone.

How different our lives are when we really know what is deeply important to us, and, keeping that picture in mind, we manage ourselves each day to be and to know what really matters most.
- Stephen Covey, author and speaker

This is a supremely important thought. I spent so much of my life in the past worrying about inconsequential things and losing sight of what was truly important. It is really only in the last few years that I have narrowed my life’s focus and found those things which are truly important to me.

Relationships have become far more important to me since I stopped trying to avoid people and started trying to connect to them. I may have few true friends, but those friends have stuck with me over the years. My romantic life, while recently changing, was stable for more than three years prior to this Christmas. I think I am officially a serial monogamist…I engage in monogamous relationships which last years and then move on when the relationship no longer works for either of us. I have a lot of trouble letting go of people when I have let them into my life, so I tend to stay in relationships longer than might be healthy.

There are many things in my life I deem “deeply important.” My career, my family, my friends…they are all foci of my time and dedication. I no longer deem destructive people and their actions as important to my life, though admittedly I spent years dealing with that behavior. I no longer deem other’s opinions as important to me as I have found peace with myself and know I am not the evil witch others have portrayed me as out of fear or anger or loss.

In the end it is a waste of my time and energy to deal with negativity and so I will no longer do so. I have made peace with myself and my Divine influence and can only hope others are able to do the same.

New Photo!

Feb. 5th, 2006 at 10:02 AM


Shari-in-White
Originally uploaded by shareinnc. I asked J to please take a photo of me yesterday. That fabulous jacket is a size 14. The leather mini I was wearing with it is a 14 too!

I haven't been this small since high school. I feel odd going out with friends because I was never the skinny one but now I am.

We went to a gay bar last night and I think I got hit on the most LOL.

The motivation to maintain hatred

Feb. 4th, 2006 at 8:04 AM

This morning I am trying desperately to understand the motivation to hate...

Just after New Years I met a man whose company I enjoy immensely. When we met, he indicated he was a member of a local group begun several years ago (immediately after I left) by my ex-husband. I was clear about who I was and that I was likely unwelcome in the group. I was assured such would not be the case as my ex-husband was really only tangentially involved in the group anymore.

Since that time, I have made it as clear as possible that I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable. When I offered my home to host an event because it was larger than the usual venue, I was clear that my ex and his new wife were absolutely welcome in my home. When the man I am seeing asks me about my ex I am honest and most of the time my discussions center on hoping the ex is happy and doing better than we did together. As the man I'm seeing often says about relationships which end, "Bad stuff happens to good people."

Yesterday it seems my ex discovered my connection to the group. He'd already made it clear he was leaving the group for reasons unconnected to me, but when he discovered my connection he made it absolutely clear he'd leave in order to not be associated with me.

Understand that we've been divorced for three years. My ex is fast approaching his second (or is it third?) wedding anniversary with his new wife. The only contact I've had with the ex in the last year was initially prompted by him and was as vitriolic as our communication has been since I left. In general we do simply avoid each other.

It would seem, however, that no matter what, he intends to maintain hostility. You would think after this much time he'd have moved on. I would hope his new marriage is happy enough that the thought of seeing me in a social situation wouldn't cause him to sever ties with a social group he enjoyed. But such is apparently not the case.

Despite a concerted effort on my part to keep the peace and help everyone else in this admittedly strange situation be comfortable, I will once again be the "evil b*tch" who drove my ex away from something he loved. I am happy and secure in my relationship and I was truly hoping the ex was as well so we could be adults and manage to be nice in a social situation should it arise.