Oct. 7th, 2002

• 8:16 AM

I hope you are doing better this morning. I'm going to call you in about half an hour. I hate to hear the kind of frustration I heard in your voice last night. I wanted to much to be able to do something to help and knew I couldn't be there fast enough.

Please know that R offered our home to you without any prompting on my part. We'd love to have you stay with us if you just need a place to go to get away for a while. Just think of all the fringe benefits :).

I'd love to plan a relaxation session for you for tonight...I know how busy you are...I could show up with all my "massage" stuff :D.

I'll talk to you soon. I hope the story I sent to you yesterday was at least a little helpful :D

 Oct. 6th, 2002

• 5:59 PM

I'm working on the story for you and just sent you an email.

It was good to see you this morning. You do realize I like the quiet times like today, right? I didn't know whether or not to wake you...you looked so sweet and relaxed...

I hope Brandon is doing well and passes his physical with flying colors tomorrow. Give me a call at some point on the cell to let me know if I'm picking him up tomorrow night. If not, I can always hook up with Casey on Tuesday evening and get him then.

Miss you already :) (I'm such a glutton)

Oct. 5th, 2002

• 8:54 AM

I wanted you to know, again, how much I truly enjoy spending time with you like we did last night.

Your energy, your obvious love of music, your "presence" are all wonderful and I really love to spend that kind of time with you :D. I wasn't bored. You didn't make me nuts with changing cds. Besides I just like being with you :). There is something about you that touches me, calms me and makes me feel safe and cared for :) These are good things.

I'd still love to know what you meant when you said nothing about us is normal...I happen to think there are several things about us that are normal :P.

I'm going to start your story at some point today...already have some ideas. I hope you'll like it :D.

Thank you

• Oct. 4th, 2002 at 7:52 AM

For being my friend and listening to me.
For taking the silver collar from my hands, never blinking and clasping it around my neck.
For understanding that despite everything or anything else, I'm still human and an emotional one at that.
For being you.

Oct. 3rd, 2002

• 7:52 AM

I want you to know I'm a realist and a cynic.


The cynic in me still believes that you are likely with me because I am convenient and give my all for those I am with. This isn't a reflection of what I think of you. Rather it is a reflection of years of experience with that type of relationship. Deep down, I know from your own actions that this isn't the case. Sometimes there is this tiny hint of emotion within you that shines through suddenly and wipes away every fear and doubt I have ever had.

The realist in me knows that entropy is difficult to escape. Let's face it, if it were easy to change I wouldn't be facing my 8th anniversary with this huge sense of foreboding  The realist in me also knows that relationships that begin physically rarely change to anything else.

I want you to understand that while I am not madly in love with you, I do care about you. Being with you reminds me of what it could be like to have a relationship with someone who genuinely cared about me and wasn't solely focused on getting laid whenever and wherever they wanted. It reminds me of what I settled for ten years ago. It's not easy to face that.

Right now, there is something so painful inside my soul that I don't know how to get it out. You said no secrets...I don't think you bargained for this kind of disclosure and I'm sorry.

I have seriously considered leaving R three times. The first was before we joined the lifestyle...before we tried poly for the first time. I was certain he was fucking anyone he could (and though he denies it, I still believe he did these things). I went home for xmas and came back to North Carolina with the intent of wrapping up my affairs and moving back to PA. He convinced me to stay. Swore he hadn't done any of it. Within two weeks, I was facing the Scotland County crap and I stayed.

The second time was two years ago. We were involved in our first poly/BDSM relationship with another couple. This time it was the other eyes that saw how he treated me that made me recognize the behaviors I hated. I went so far that time to pack a bag to go stay with friends for a few days, to get some distance and space. He threatened to kill himself. I stayed. He swore he'd change. Stop treating me like an object. Stop forcing the issue (whatever the issue was) sexually when I said no. We left the lifestyle and he did stop for a while. But habits are hard to break and you've seen his behavior.

The third time has been in the last week or so since that day you visited here. Once again, someone else saw what I fight with internally every day. I've believed him so many times when he's told me his behavior isn't out of the ordinary that I doubt my own perceptions. No one seems to stay in our lives long enough for me to ask for an "outside" opinion...often because he does or says something that drives them away.

Now I'm at that place again...If I talk to him about it, he'll scream and carry on. He'll be sure to insist I stop seeing you. He'll blame you for my thoughts. He'll blame me for not meeting his needs. He'll blame anyone and everyone else. He didn't ever really understand during our talk last week that the real reason I was so upset was that he admitted he knew I didn't want the sexual contact but because he did, he pushed the issue knowing i'd give in.

Want to know what our biggest argument has always been? His sex drive and mine don't match. If I say no to him, I'm denying him what he needs. Why should I get to decided all the time whether or not we have sex. That's our biggest argument and always has been.

Want to know why our sex drives don't match? (because I know you're wondering considering how I am with you). I don't trust him. He hurts me on a regular basis. He believes "no" is an excuse to convince me. I feel like a piece of meat. Some of this is NOT fully his fault. There is a little psychological baggage left from when I had a ruptured ovarian cyst...he was the one to rupture it (we didn't know I had it until then). But the behaviors that perpetuate these feelings are his and have always been his.

You don't know how many people in our lives have come and gone and usually one of the last things they ask me is "Why are you with him?" There have been many folks who look at the two of us and at first they are willing to put up with him and his crap for the sake of being my friend. Any idea what it feels like to know that each of those people finally reached the conclusion that *I* wasn't worth the effort any more? How many people have turned and walked away from me, refusing to speak to me or have any contact with me because if they did they had to deal with him? And each time he had done something so awful that these people returned the favor, giving him the excuse of "Look at what they did to *us*. Do you really want them back in your life?"

I've probably scared you enough to send you running into the hills by this point. I'm sorry. I just needed to get some of this out of me before it kills me. I'm pretty realistic about my own limitations. I'm afraid to be alone. Hell is better when you're with someone else, I suppose. So many times I've been told I'm not desirable  not worth the time and effort it takes to breech the defensive walls I keep up for my own protection.

I've taught people it's okay to treat me this way. I teach them that my company isn't worthy by bringing them presents and doing things for them to make up for what my company lacks. I know I do these things...like I said, I'm pretty realistic about myself.

Oct. 2nd, 2002

• 8:21 PM

No secrets is a hard thing for me. I am so used to keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself, so used to feeling like those thoughts and feelings aren't valid anyway so why burden anyone with them.

I won't lie and tell you I was unaffected by your disclosure about Tanya. To be honest, your description of her sounds like she's perfect for you. Listening to you talk about her and how you look to the future brought a question to my mind. It's not a new question but rather one I've asked myself several times recently.

Why are you with me? I know deep down you want a family and a wife so I'm curious why you are investing time in me when you could be pursuing a woman who could be everything for you.

I don't want to give you up. I'm selfish that way. I enjoy being with you, but I also have to consider your well-being.

Every so often (actually it has been about once a year for the past three or four years) I start to look at my life and wonder why I keep it the way it is if I'm not happy. Life is far too short to be unhappy as I often feel.

I want to tell you things but honestly I'm afraid of what your reaction might be...that you might misread or misunderstand. I'm going to do it anyway and damn the consequences.

Do you know what it meant to me for you to tell me I looked pretty the other morning? What it's like to be able to trust that you won't hurt me, won't use me to get what you want and to hell with me, won't turn your back on me because we disagree? These are all very important things.

Something else has wandered into my thoughts since I met you. I was 16 the last time I seriously considered whether or not I wanted children. I decided against it knowing that my high school fiance was not father material. I knew R wasn't either. I'm 31 years old and no, I don't feel any clocks ticking. I just spend time with a man I think would make a wonderful father and it makes me wonder... (No, I don't want to have your children...in my current situation that wouldn't be a good thing).

Being with you reminds me that there are men who appreciate their partners, who have care and consideration for them and makes everything I've always disliked about R glow with neon intensity.

You should know that I'm probably PMSing right now, which makes everything I'm feeling worse. This is also a bad time of year for me. I did something many years ago that I sometimes heavily regret, but most especially at this time of year. I'm sorry. I should just hit delete but I can't.

Oct. 1st, 2002

• 8:39 PM

I hope the emergency this morning wasn't too dire. I also hope you are doing okay. Please call or email me soon. I need to know if you want me to stay home tomorrow to see you and whatnot.

I miss you!