I'm Passive Aggressive, How Are You?

Wow...sometimes the level of self-centeredness of some people astounds me. I received a text message at 2am (I was sleeping so I got it when I go up) from someone who has said nothing to me in about two weeks.

The silence came after this same person made it absolutely clear that it was entirely my fault that we were no longer pursuing a relationship beyond friendship with one another. Rather than argue and say things that were hurtful to us both, I let the person say their piece and then went off on my own to heal.

While I'm healing I've realized it was painful for me to see this person on my facebook chat list where I'd see them as available but they no longer chatted with me. Then when I saw a post from this person and someone else that they had gone somewhere, I realized that it was painful for me to see into this person's life on a regular basis and I defriended them here on facebook.

They are still connected to me elsewhere, but not here where I had to see them all day, every day. I did it to protect myself and so that I could write like this without worrying that they would see it and again accuse me of being passive aggressive toward them (which is what they said in the text message this morning).

I find it absolutely stunning that unless I reach out, this person doesn't speak to me but it's me who is passive aggressive because I'm protecting myself while I heal from the very deep cuts administered to me during the one-sided, three hour chat rant this person put me through as they decided it was my fault that we would no longer be pursuing a personal relationship.

Unfriending this person frees me from worrying about what they might think if I write what's on my mind or post/like quotes that have anything to do with how I feel following the "break-up."

I was at fault because while there was a "bigger plan," for our relationship, I was not permitted to know what it was. I was at fault because I asked, more than once, that there be time and space just for me in the relationship. I got ONE evening in several months where no one but me and them was present and then empty promises of more and finally cancelled "dates." I was at fault because after three weeks of silence from the primary partner--because they were mad at me for something that wasn't my fault and rather than speak to me about it, they decided that not speaking to me (no matter how often we were in the same room) was better--I  no longer trusted the primary partner. I was at fault because when I couldn't get time and space to talk to the person with whom I was attempting to have a relationship, I would finally lose my control and cry...causing drama of course...and they would be "held hostage" while I finally let out everything that I had wanted to say weeks earlier. I was at fault because even during the first time I was intimate with this person, we weren't alone and I was hurting. (I had been clear that in that situation I needed intimacy and connection with just this person and no one else and those needs were discarded in favor of their desires) putting an end to two years of celibacy in a way that makes me wonder if celibacy isn't healthier for me. I was at fault because I finally believed that I deserved better. That I deserved the time I asked for. That I deserved the connection I asked for. That I deserved to part of this person's life rather than a spectator on the sideline while they made time and space for someone who met the needs of them and their primary when I didn't want anything to do with having sex with the primary because as I said from the first, I'm not bisexual. I'm not homophobic and I actually do enjoy touching and interacting with women but they don't do anything for me sexually and this particular woman had already specifically told me that it had been easier to "just put you [me] in the "fuck'em" category and deal with it later" resulting in silence from her for three weeks even though we saw each other at least three nights a week during that time.

I let all of this go unsaid during the chat marathon where quite literally this person continued to send me messages knowing I wasn't going to answer them because I'd told them I was driving. Then I just stopped answering because I knew they weren't going to listen and that eventually the refusal to listen would result in me saying hurtful things that while true, didn't really need to be said. I let them tell me it was all my fault even though I didn't agree and let them think that the decision to stop the pursuit of a personal relationship was entirely their idea because both of those things seemed more important to them than they were to me. Then I walked away (figuratively) in order to heal my own heart. 

Apparently, however, my silence and my action designed to protect and heal myself was more "passive aggressive" behavior. How dare I protect myself quietly and without making a big deal of what I'd done? How dare I protect myself at all? How dare I take two weeks of utter silence from them as a reason to want to not see their face every time I opened my facebook on a computer or in an app? How dare I try to quietly protect myself while I heal? I'm a horrible person. I use only passive aggressive behavior to hurt people because I don't just want to let things go and heal.