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Mo defines herself as monoamorous...someone who heart-bonds with only one person at a time. I can absolutely relate to that definition. Over the years in which I have engaged in power exchange relationships, I have done so with dominant men who enjoyed being some type of polyamorous...either openly or behind my back. I, however, have always been one to bond to only one person at a time. I tell partners that while I do not mind there being others I their lives (so long as I know about them), I do not do "divided loyalties" well. My focus, especially in a power exchange relationship, is on the one I serve. It is with them that I bond. It is to them that I offer my heart and soul and it is with them that I am transparent. I do not have the capacity to be that open and transparent with more than one person at a time.
And that lack of capacity is where my looking at introversion helped. As a highly introverted person, I need a lot of one on one time with people, interspersed liberally with alone time for reflection. Those needs are in direct opposition to the structure of a poly relationship. I cannot spend the time I need to reflect on building intimate, loving relationships with more people because then I have no energy for myself or the one to whom I am already heart-bonded.
Now this is not to say that have no interest in any metamores related to the one I serve. That is simply not the case. The fact is, I feel much more comfortable in a relationship with a poly person if I can have something more than a passing, cordial relationship with their other partners. I fear being hated by a metamore because I once experienced it and the destruction of that relationship hurt me deeply. I don't want to heart-bond with the others, but I do go out of my way to find common ground so that we can spend time together and not snipe at each other constantly. The fact that I'm straight, as are the men I've served, means that there is likely never to be more than a friendship between me and any of the dominant's other partners as well.
I think that just as it is difficult for extroverts to understand introverts, it is sometimes difficult for poly people to understand a mono partner. I will not seek out others to fill voids in my life for more than friendship. I may have needs that the poly partner cannot or will not fulfill, but while I may find a way to fill those needs, my heart bond remains with the person to whom I am in service. There will be times when I am envious and jealous, but those times do not mean that I will cut and run or seek out other partners. They will mean that I will ask for time to talk so that I can get what I need or find out for certain that I cannot have it so that I may make informed decisions.
In recent years, I have had to beat the "It's Okay" girl into brutal submission. Anytime I now hear myself thinking, "it's okay," I ask myself is it really and if the answer is no, I go to the person I am involved with and I talk to them or I write to them. I must admit that I am more likely to write to them for two reasons.
One, I can think through what I want to say and be sure that what I am sharing is what I really need to talk about. Two, I tend to get involved with extroverts. If I try to only talk to them, rather than write and then talk, I run the risk of not being able to clearly articulate what I need to say and being talked over by the extrovert who cannot stand my moments of silence (which are used to compose my thoughts into clear statements).
As I'm writing this, I find there is likely one other reason why my relationships tend toward monoamorous for me and polyamorous for them...
It has been my personal experience that as a servant, my focus cannot shift from one person to another without a clear correlation to the reduction in quality of service. For example, I cannot serve an owner and a dinner party with the same level of attention and detail. I may know all the same details about the dinner guests that I know about an owner, but I cannot physically serve every individual with the same level of attention.
On the flip side of that coin, as the one being served, it feels as though the dominant can be available to more than one servant much more easily than a servant to several dominants. Yes, the emotional energy expended by either party will be fairly equal, but the need to physically be in more than one place at a time is vastly different. Then, too, the "Master's Perogative" allows for more leeway in the amount of connection between servant and served than the structure and requirements set forth for servants.
On the whole, I think it is difficult for the monoamorous person to be involved in the Kink and Leather communities because monogamous relationships are becoming so rare. How often do you truly see a one to one relationship with no outside partners? I know I have only rarely seen it in the more than a decade I've been involved in the communities. I also know that I have never been involved in a power exchange relationship where I was the only person in the relationship with the owner. So where does that leave me, and others like me?
I think it leaves us in a position of needing to educate our partners after spending the time to know for certain what it is we must have in order to engage in happy, healthy relationships. Those of us for whom one heart is enough must be willing to share our needs and desires clearly and to let go when those needs and desires are in opposition to what the one to whom we heart bond is willing to provide. In short, and to paraphrase both Minx and Mo, we must own our shit and give ourselves points for trying even when we are scared and hurt.
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