Preparing for Separation

It is a sad truth that many of us who serve are in service to those who serve our country. Deployments and training exercises separate us from those we serve and can leave us feeling disconnected and lost. How, then, can a servant prepare for a separation? The first step I take in preparing for a separation is to talk to the owner. We discuss those things which I can do as service to him while he is far away. Remaining connected to those we serve in spite of distance between us can make separations much easier on both parties. Make a list of tasks to be completed for those you serve while they are absent. Commit to performing those tasks without fail or excuses. Do not allow the distance between you and those you serve to become an excuse for shoddy service. Remember to include on that list those things you will do to care for the property of the one you serve. Will you exercise, get massages, take time for yourself? Whatever it is you do to renew your body and soul, put it on this list so you do not forget to care for the property while the owner is away. Discuss how you will remain in contact with the one you serve. During his last deployment, I wrote a letter a day to the owner. The letters served two purposes for me and for him. They were a physical reminder of him each and every day as I hand wrote these letters. The letters were also a way to stay connected to him. They were written as though I were talking to him. These letters allowed me to keep him informed of what was happening at home as well as allowing me to share my thoughts and feelings each day. I would write the letters at night before bed and mail them on my way to work in the mornings. The roll of stamps became an unofficial count-down to his return as well since I knew that when the roll was gone, he'd be home. If you are lucky enough to be able to talk with the one you serve during your separation, do so. Just don't become so focused on that contact that you are unable to function without it. Missing a phone call can be disappointing, but it should not be debilitating. Make arrangements to keep in contact with others who know of the separation and can help you through it. If the separation is due to military deployment, get in contact with others who are experiencing the same type of separation, be they vanilla or kinky. Talking with others who had loved ones deployed helped me immensely. Being able to share your thoughts, feelings, fears and emotions with others who have similar experiences will help make the separation more bearable. Of course, your individual preparations will vary as your relationship varies from mine. However, remaining connected and in service, no matter the details, will help you and the one you serve make it through the separation. Don't forget that the one you serve is suffering a separation too. Each service you provide gives him or her the opportunity to accept service and helps them to remain connected to you. Copyright © 2009 Shannon Reilly All Rights Reserved. No unauthorized reproduction of this work is permitted without express, written permission from the author.

Well...that kinda says a lot doesn't it...

Jan. 14th, 2007 at 11:20 PM

Sagittarius's restless behavior causes needy Pisces to feel unloved and unnoticed. Bedroom sparks are all that hold this fickle pairing together.

Together your hearts beat with passion and understanding. Pisces brings romance-Cancer brings protection. Bring on the harmony.

Now...Which relationship is better for my heart and mind?

Add in the fact that I've pulled every Bear card out of the shapeshifter deck both online an in hand and well...I guess the universe is trying to tell me something. Maybe I should stop fighting it and listen.

I've been having the oddest dreams lately. For example, this morning I dreamed I was showing someone who seriously doubted me, my ability to play golf.

The easiest interpretation of the dream is that if I continue to do what I know is right and do it well, those who doubt me will have to see that I am competent. It's frustrating to know I am capable of doing things while being doubted becase someone simply doesn't like or trust me.

This dream likely stems from an exchange on an email list with someone this week. This person put out bad information (telling people they could attend a party on Friday when the party wasn't until Saturday). I corrected the information nicely, pointing out that the place in question didn't have parties on Fridays except when those parties were hosted by the leather group. I get back a snotty "thanks for correcting an error I never made." and the person continued to put out the bad info. I corrected the info again, posting a blurb from the website of the place.

When the person got an angry phone call from their owner, they had supposedly sent a "retraction" of the bad information. It's now two days later and that retraction is nowhere to be seen.

The whole reason this person continued to fight me about the information is that they don't like me. They've been nasty and insulting to me for months and since the change in relationship between me and their owner, I finally banned this person from my home, deciding that I no longer needed to put up with someone whose friencds feel it is necessary to aplogize for them having to be in my home.

I guess this whole incident, piled up with other things this person has screwed up this week that I'm now having to deal with the aftermath of, bothered me more than I was initially willing to admit.

The person keeps skirting sending information to me, despite knowing that sending it to their owner will not accomplish what needs to be done.

Screw it...I have work to do today. I just need to let it go.

So T calls today to tell me that he's leaving at 3 am to go to Peru...good news and bad really...good that it's Peru and not the desert, bad that it's so sudden. It's only two weeks and he's on a medical detail with some General...but I worry anyway.

Texas is cool and i'm learning a lot about leather and toy making...J is gonna love the toy A and I put together for him today...it's simple and seriously evil.

One more day here...crack of dawn flight Sunday...9 fold path presentation Sunday afternoon...Out to the farm for a good long ride with Charlie on Monday. It will be good to be home.

I had an epiphany

Sep. 17th, 2006 at 8:16 AM

a few days ago and due to the activities we've been engaged in for the past week, I didn't have a chance to write it down.

It dawned on me (have I mentioned I can be a little slow?) that I was focusing on the parts of my relationship which didn't work and making them worse by doing so rather than nurturing the parts of the relationship which nurtured me.

I admit that I don't always make the best relationship decisions. However, there were things about J which attracted me to him from the moment we met. I'd shoved those things aside recently and that was a bad idea.

J is a good man with a good heart who can be hurt easily because of that good heart. I stomped on him and then wondered why he backed away. I've been working very hard to remedy what I've done and to make sure he knows how much he means to me.

Hard realities about me

Sep. 10th, 2006 at 8:39 AM

I'm learning that I'm really not a very nice person. Now I say that but I don't want anyone to think that learning this is a bad thing. It is quite the opposite.

Sometimes we go through life with a single-mindedness that blocks everything else out. When someone helps you lift your head (out of your ass most times) the result can be painful but worthwhile.

I've done and said some really horrific things recently which I regret immensely. I realize that my own self-focused depression and resentment and anger have been destructive and damaging not only to me but to the people around me. For that I apologize wholeheartedly and hope that with time those I've hurt will come to forgive me.

I've made changes in my thought processes (which are not yet complete but are at least at the conscious level that I can stop myself from continuing the same destructive behavior and thought patterns). I'm finding peace again and trying very hard to remember to say simple things like "Thank you" to those who are most important in my life.

I'm not "cured" by any stretch of the imagination. I still have to fight to put away the initial surges of resentment that come from certain situations. I have to learn to speak up for what I want and need and face being rejected rather than remaining silent in order to not be told no.

I don't like to make excuses for my behaviors so often I just don't say things that might be construed as excuses. That doesn't mean that the reasoning behind my behavior is not "valid" in the sense that we are creatures of habit. Even bad habits are hard to break because we create pathways of comfort in our minds...even when that comfort is cold and ugly.


Little girls choose their men based on their fathers...at least that is what many of the psychologist and psychobabble nitwits want us to think...I think, to an extent, it is true. I choose men who are, for whatever reason (and this is not an acusation or disparaging remark about these men) emotionally unavailable. I choose men who often accept me and what I give to relationships and then choose to go to others for more. This is a pattern for me that has been this way since my first boyfriend when I was 14. But really it started with my father. He is and has always been distant, passive agressive, and absent. He waited until I was "old enough to handle it" (his words) and then decided he no longer needed to be civil to my mother (they'd been divorced for 5 years at that point) and essentially left me for his new wife (stopped summer visitations, shortened weekend visitations, made no time for just me and him). I see that pattern of behavior in nearly every relationship I've ever had with a man. And I'm finally realizing it is me who has the skewed vision of what relationships should and can be.

I don't speak up because when I asked my father why I couldn't spend more time with him, I was told it would make someone else feel bad.
I don't reach out for physical contact with men because when I did reach for my father's hand, I got the stiff armed, keep me at a distance body language.

And it wasn't just my father who taught me to stay silent, to subjugate my desires in favor of other, to keep my distance. Other relationshps have contributed.


The point now is to stop doing all these things. To trust that J is as I believed he was when I met him...a man of integrity and strength. To remember that dominant or no, owner or no, man or no...he is HUMAN first and the things which happen in his life affect how he feels, and how he reacts to others, including me. And to remember that I'm human too. I make mistakes but I can make changes to avoid making those same mistakes again and again.

The most destructive emotion

Aug. 31st, 2006 at 8:56 AM

is not love or hate, it is hope.

Think about it. How many times has hope been the reason a man or a woman stayed in an abusive relationship? How many times has hope been the reason a couple stays together long after they don't love each other anymore? And how many times has an s-type hitched themselves to an unsuitable (for them) d-type because of hope?

I find myself at a cross roads and wondering how much of what is going through my head is a result of hope. I hope I can find a way to be happy. I hope he can find a way to forgive me. Sometimes I don't even know what I hope.