Monday Afternoon Thoughts

I don't really know that I have much to say right now. It seems so long since I last talked to you and I must admit that the cynical and ugly part of me is telling me you have disappeared and I won't hear from you again. After the news I learned this weekend it is so hard to trust that you will call, will want to see me again, will be honest with me. I'm afraid and fear makes me think self-defeating thoughts.

I have this desire to please others, often to the detriment of my own well-being. At the same time I feel I am not good enough for anyone, that I do not meet the expectations of those I wish to please.

And while I think these self-serving and horrible things, I also pray that nothing awful has happened to you. I hope that you are well. But if you are well, then I am left with the question: Why have I heard nothing at all from you since last Tuesday?

Silence is the hardest thing for me to deal with. It leaves me vulnerable to the doubts that plague me daily. I would ask, if something like this happens in the future, that you let me know approximately how long you will be gone. I can be patient as long as I know there is an end. The uncertainty and the waiting are simply too reminiscent of others who have taken advantage of my trusting and giving nature.

I can become rather insecure at times. Often all I need at those times is to hear (or see) the words, "Everything is fine." This is becoming one of those times. I don't need details. I don't want to know every movement you make unless you wish to share them with me. I only need to know if you will be coming back eventually or should I move on.

Yes, what I learned this weekend is coloring how I feel right now. It is devastating to learn for certain that someone I genuinely cared for lied to me from the very first moment I met him. It makes it very hard for me to trust you, not because of you but because of me. The lack of contact just increases my anxiety.

If what I am asking seems to be too much or too clingy, please let me know. I know that I cannot go through the silent treatment again. I know now that his weeks of silence were because he was with his wife and couldn't get away long enough to lie to me some more. That makes every silent moment from anyone else that much harder to deal with.

I know I'm tired and that makes me melancholy. I've also missed you and wished to talk to you. I don't know what else to do or say at this point. Eventually I will reach a point where I will close myself off and try to heal again.

The Situation with my Sir

Well, I suppose I ought to write it out at some point. I know some folks here are reading and wondering how the talk with JD went on Wednesday and I suppose I've had enough time to digest that meeting to talk about it.

Well, for now I am trying again with JD. I am not 100% certain how things will go, but talking with him left me feeling at least comfortable to move forward. I know that a lot of what I was feeling was blown out of proportion by the horrific month the two of us seem to be having. I know, too, that some of it was simply that he has so much trouble talking to me about things and I have the same with him. I've agreed to talk to him when we're together and he's agreed to make it easier for me to do so.

Now I need to deal with how my husband feels about this mess. I feel like I can't even bring up JD's name in the house right now and it is draining me quickly and making me short tempered with my husband. I keep hoping that he'll understand that he was right in a way when he said that none of what he said to me about JD mattered, that his wishes didn't enter into it. He's right in that the relationship between me and JD is just that, between us. It does not, despite both my husband and JD, revolve around my husband. I have a say in how it works out and I have the ability to make decisions regarding my own happiness.

I've been staying out of R's relationship with JJ (his submissive) because I don't think it is my place to get involved. Their relationship is their relationship. I don't feel I have the right to butt into it. I just wish he would give me the same courtesy. I'd also like a little bit of damned privacy! *grrrrrr*

Can the word "Love" be used in a D/s relationship and if so, how does a slave show the Master/Mistress they love them?

Update [06/16/2002 17:41]:

I think that the word "love" has far too many overtones and undertones in our world. I know that personally I am terrified of using the word because every individual has a different viewpoint on its meaning. It's a loaded word.

Do I love my Sir? Yes, I probably do. Do I care about him, his health and well-being? Absolutely and without equivocation. Is what I feel for him love? Maybe.

The only word in the BDSM lexicon I find to be more loaded than "love" is "Master." I call my Dominant Sir because to me, Master entails a connection I do not yet have with my Dominant. I am not collared to him. I do not live in a 24/7 with him. I am his submissive and he is my Sir. Should things change in the future, my form of address to my Sir will likely change as well.

I know I got off topic with this, but oh well.

What is the difference between discipline and punishment? What is the purpose of each and when should they be used?

Update [06/16/2002 17:45]:

Discipline is learning the "right" way to do things and doing them that way. Punishment is what is received when discipline is not achieved. That is a simplistic way of looking at it, but true all the same.

Discipline is what is asked of a submissive in order that he or she avoid punishment. Punishment is, in my opinion, detrimental to most relationships. Let me explain. Does not a puppy learn good behavior quicker with positive reinforcement than with negative? Why would we apply these principles to training an animal and assume that the human animal is any different.

Physical punishment, for me, is likely to be entirely counter-productive. If you hurt me because you're angry over my behavior, you lose all credibility with me. Psychological punishment, however, usually has a better result. Nothing hurt me more than to think I had disappointed my Sir. Although I will add to this that the silent treatment is NEVER effective where I am concerned. If you don't speak to me, how can we fix our problems? Silence only gives me time to make things worse by thinking and assuming.

When a Master collars a slave, is he entitled to her posessions?

Update [06/07/2002 @ 07:39]:

I think that if the Master and slave have negotiated with each other the disposition of posessions, then yes, the Master is likely entitled to whatever was agreed upon. I know that I have met couples who do this and seem happy with it. These same couples fall into two categories. The first category has something like a "prenuptial" agreement where it is laid out legally what the slave will receive if the relationship with the Master ends. The other has no such agreement.

If I were to enter into a Master/slave relationship (which is unlikely) I would insist upon the safety net of the agreement.