Dreams

I've often dreamed of being in service again. Last night I had one of those dreams. This dream differed from others in two small, but significant ways. The first is that my subconscious mind put a familiar face on the person to who, in was bound in service. It was a person I admire a great deal and who I would enjoy serving if I thought for half a moment they would be interested in such service. The second difference was the gender of the individual to whom I was tied. On the past my dreams have always been of being in service to men or organizations. Last night's dream showed merge joy of being in service to a woman. A GQ woman, but a woman nonetheless.

I miss the connection to an owner. I miss the joy of service. I miss the calm that comes from knowing my presence in an owner's life brings them peace and joy.

I know I'm not gay. But I also know I'm attracted to power more than anything else. I'm rambling now because I just don't know what my brain is trying to tell me about what I need in my life.

I want the unicorn

How many times has a man with whom I have a relationship said one of the following things to me:

1. You're a keeper.
2. You take such good care of me.
3. I can't be the man (owner) you deserve.
4. You intimidate me with your attention to the details of me and my life.
5. I'd love to own you, but I can't give you what you need.

If I think about it too much, I'll lose my mind, but so often I've looked back on relationships and seen this gap between who and what I am and who and what the other person wanted me to be.

Dominants often say they want the perfect slave. One who will do what they're told, take the initiative to do what needs to be done, and make all their friends jealous. But what happens when they get a servant who is as close to their ideal as they've ever come? From my experience, they get scared and turn tail. Or they seek out ways to make the service offered to them less than what they want. Or they simply stop caring.

I'm not perfect. I'm anything but. What I am is observant and dedicated to making an owner's life better and easier. I know I have some pretty deep, sometimes damn near fatal flaws, but what I offer outweighs most of them. Ruthless obedience isn't just a phrase, it's a way of life that has nearly cost me my life a few times. It's what owners and dominants claim to want but when they are presented with it, they shy away from it because it means THEY have to behave more responsibly. If you know that the one who serves you will do as you ask, without hesitation or question, you have a responsibility to ask only what is healthy for both of you.

And that is the heart of the problem I have with finding a power exchange relationship in the community. So many dominants feel as though they should not have to invest as much work in the relationship as their servant does. There is that air of "I'm the dominant. You do what I say," without any thought of the weight of responsibility to the dominant inherent in that statement.

I am not looking for a dominant to take over my life and take care care of me. I'm seeking a power exchange relationship in which the dominant sees value in my strength and skills and is willing to be present in the relationship beyond the slap and tickle crap that goes on in the bedroom. Don't get me wrong, I love the sexual aspect of what we do (if I am actually remembering it accurately...it's been a VERY long time), however, what gets me off is not at the core of what I desire to find in a relationship.

My other big issue with finding someone in the community seems to revolve around the fragility of the male ego (as a whole, not specifically). I'm a sadist and a talented top. I learned how to be both at the elbow of some excellent tops and mean-ass sadists. I learned because I saw something that excited me or that I wanted to learn and so I asked them to teach me. I sometimes wonder if seeing me top someone at a party makes any dominant who might be interested in me run screaming. Not just because I'm a sadist and a top and so many of them cannot separate play and relationships (and fear that I might try to top them), but because maybe I'm good at something they want to be good at—or, heaven forbid, I'm BETTER at something than they are. Does that fragile male ego keep them from approaching me because of what I am and what I'm good at? And if it does, I'm just screwed. I will not be less than what I am for anyone's comfort.

Isn't there value in owning strength? Isn't there value in being able to watch your servant excel and know that with one gesture or glance from you, that successful, powerful servant would happily be at your feet? Or is it simply too much work for a dominant to have to consider orders carefully because they know the order will be carried out? Is it too much work to have to consider the value of a service against the value of the well-being of the servant who, with ruthless obedience, will comply? Or maybe it's just me.

Perhaps at the root of this entire discussion is an unmanageable servant. One with an inflated view of her worth. One who simply cannot be useful to anyone else. But if I'm honest with myself, I know that is not true. Had I never served, I might believe that. But I have served and as far as the owners were concerned, my service was more than adequate. It was my needs which were not met and my decision that my heart and soul deserved better which ended the relationships, not a desire on the part of the owners to walk away.

So what do I really want? An owner willing and able to make me a part of his life. One willing to love and be loved in a power exchange relationship. One willing to be an active participant in the power exchange. In short, I want the unicorn.

Sunday Morning

Well, let's start with the good news. I enjoyed the party last night. It was wonderful to see people I hadn't seen in months and meet a couple of folks I had only ever known as screen names online. S and P seemed to enjoy themselves and we (R and I) won two of the party games. He won the "pop the balloon with the single tail" and together we tied for first with another couple in the trivia contest. Never knew my brain was so full of useless crap :).

Now for the news that had me curled up against a wall, crying in a guest bedroom for about 15 minutes last night.

I was talking with M (hostess) and G (a woman I had previously not liked because there was a time when it appeared she was trying to come between me and JD). I now have absolute confirmation that not a single thing JD ever told me was the truth. He's NOT divorced. There is NO girlfriend to have tried to commit suicide. He never stopped spending time with G. Every word that ever came out of his mouth was a lie.

I don't even know where to begin to express the pain and anger I'm feeling right now. I want to scream and cry and throw things. I want to get him alone in a room and tear his eyes out. I want him to hurt as much as I hurt. I can't believe I was so gullible, that I trusted this man and believed him...took him at his word. At least now I know that no one in Fayetteville will be hurt that way again. C and M and G and Wolf will see to it that no unsuspecting submissive woman will fall into his trap again.

I think I'm going to draft an email and dump out all the horrible things I want to say to him and try to get past the pain. I don't know if I'll send it, but I know if I keep this bottled up, it will only do me more harm.

Saturday morning

I'm about to go make deviled eggs for this evening's party. Friends of ours, S and P, are coming with us so I'll be adequately protected. S is 6'2" and about 250-275 and very protective of me. He's a very good friend.

I'm trying very had to not be worried or upset that I haven't heard from you since Tuesday. While I certainly do not expect detailed itineraries or explanations of your comings and goings I would appreciate a note or phone call if at all possible to let me know you'll be gone for an extended period of time. I recognize that your job limits your ability to tell folks your whereabouts, but a little, "I'm fine and will be back in a week" kind of note would certainly set my mind at ease.

There have been a lot of people in my life, especially lately, who have felt perfectly justified in using me and my giving nature to obtain what they wanted only to discard me when they had it. I admit I am paranoid and I hate feeling this way.

You weren't able to respond to any of my questions so I won't be wearing a collar this evening. I will be wearing an opaque top under my lace jacket and I won't be sending you pictures of what I looked like before we left for the event. The beginnings of relationships are hardest for me. I'm stilling finding the edges of acceptable behavior and I don't want to push over them. I'm trying so hard to be patient and keep my head up. My worth isn't tied to serving anyone, but my heart and soul are tied to service and I hate the idea that I might make mistakes where my heart and soul can be hurt again.

Rant

Okay, if you're not in the mood for a whiny rant, don't click the link :).

So why is it that just driving into the city where the shithead lives leaves me thinking about him and brings the pain back? It's been a month since he decided that his "need to know" policy was a good enough reason to finally dump me and yet I am still angry and still very hurt. It isn't helping that I seem to be seeing more and more of his lies as I review the six months we were together. There's this little part of me that still feels something kind and good toward him but that part is quickly squashed by the battle bitch who protects me when others decide to take advantage of my giving nature. I want to just forget him and move forward, but I don't know how at this point.

Then there's T...have you ever been so completely wrong about someone that you don't even know where to begin? Every reference I checked said T was a nice man...he was quiet, reserved, but nice. BULLSHIT!!!!

Picture this...He comes to our home, has a wonderful time with me serving him for the afternoon in any way he asked. Then disappears for a week online. He's in a funk he says. He's not fit company he says. I believe him and tell him to get back to me when he's done with his funk. At the end of a week of silence, I am about to write him an email when he finally contacts me again. His wife found a wedding invitation. She knows about me now. I'm expecting that she's going to say, "No more D/s relationships."

Well, that's kind of what she said...According to T, she gave him a choice. He could have his D/s relationships or he could have another vintage Corvette. That's all well and good. I'm certainly not going to interfere with someone's marriage. What I didn't need to hear from T was that he was having trouble deciding.

He put me up against an inanimate object...a fucking car...and found me lacking and thought it would be a nice and honest thing to do to tell me so. Fucking Lie To Me, Asshole! I'd rather he lied than tell me I was losing to a piece of metal.

I told him that it was a horrifically hurtful thing to tell me and told him to enjoy his fucking car.

What the hell is it with people? Is it that I'm married and they assume that because I am I cannot be serious about a real relationship with a Dominant? And because they make this assumption they feel justified in taking what I give freely and stomping on me when they find something better?

Then this morning, after I drag myself out of bed at 7 so that my husband's submissive wouldn't have to sit in the driveway if she was early, we get a phone call. It's the submissive, at 10 after 8, calling to say she isn't coming.

I think I am going to sit in a corner today and slam my head against the wall for a while. It will likely do just as much good as anything else I've tried lately.

I don't know what I'll do

I called JD yesterday to arrange to pick up my books.

I had left a message on Monday and he didn't return my call, so I was getting annoyed by the time I left the message on my way into town yesterday. I had resolved that if I didn't hear from him by the time I headed on to base, I'd leave another message that would be less than cordial.

He called while I was in Walmart. Talking to him...hearing his voice was VERY hard. I asked how his family was and then told him I'd only called to arrange to get my books. He was hesitant, but said today would be the best bet. I started crying and told him about being passed over for the full-time position with the college. He was angry FOR me. I hung up and headed out of Walmart, the plan was I would call him when I was done with class on Wednesday.

I didn't make it more that four isles and he called back. He said he didn't want to end our relationship unless I wanted to. He told me he'd spent the weekend trying to come up with a way of explaining that he did care for me, but was afraid. He's afraid to care too deeply because I'm married. He said he understood how I would feel as though he didn't care, as though he treated me like a toy. He said that wasn't what he had intended. He told me he'd even been writing down the things he needed to talk to me about...something I had asked him to do once before and he hadn't...this time he is.

I said I would meet and talk to him today (unless some catasrophe errupts). I made no promises. I want to believe him. I don't want to believe that I trusted a man with my body and soul who lies as well as he would have to for his words yesterday to ring true. And yet I know that some things HAVE to change for me to be happy. I have to feel like a priority and not a convenience. I have to feel as though promises made to me are worth fighting to keep. I have to feel cherished and cared for and not like a dirty secret.

My husband is furious that I'm even considering talking to JD. He doesn't understand or see the parallels between his desire to have me walk away and the fact that so many people have told me the same thing about him. I told him last night that he can't like the fact that I don't give up on people when it applies to him and ask me to abandon it when it comes to someone else.

R threatened that if I decided to take JD back and he hurts me again, he'll go to jail in order to do harm to JD. I don't think it's fair to use that kind of emotional blackmail on anyone. It makes me responsible for two other people's actions.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

Still nothing

I honestly don't expect to hear anything so I'm not nearly as upset as I could be.


I suppose I need to prepare myself for the very real possibility that this is it, the end of the relationship. If he will not talk to me, won't make time for something as important as the issues I have presented to him, then he cannot care enough for me. I told him when we met and he asked me to be his submissive that I had to have an emotional bond with a Dominant. He said that was fine. He brought up the subject of the poly relationship, leaving me to believe he could care enough for me to possibly love me someday.

But in the past month he has done so many contradictory things. In one afternoon, he asks me to "make love to him." The next day began a week of silence because of a new family crisis. The the suicide attempt when the girlfriend I thought knew about me found one of my letters. Then the missing letter, stolen from his mailbox, stopped me from being able to mail my letters to him, closing off the last communication channel I had. Now I pour my heart and soul out to him, tell him that I don't know how to approach him, how to tell him that all I need is to hear that he cares, to see it in his consideration of my feelings and he responds with resounding silence and anger because I was upset to find him sleeping on an afternoon when we had tentative plans to get together for the long-awaited talk.

It wasn't that he was sleeping that had me so upset. It was the fact that he hadn't called and said, "I'm exhausted. Can we please do this another day?" My response would have been, "Of course." I would have been disappointed, but at least he would have considered my concerns important enough to tell me that he wasn't going to be able to discuss them right away.

R is furious. He's tired of seeing me hurt and hopes the relationship ends. How do I explain to him that part of me wants it to end while another part prays that JD will call and make things right?

R is caught up in a new relationship with JJ. They're talking about a collaring...something he forbid me to do without first consulting him and yet he has not even asked what I think of it. I'm not angry or jealous, really, just sort of a "what did you expect" feeling.

I know that somewhere there has to be a dominant who will accept what I offer in submission and give to me the things I need in return. I think my needs are pretty simple. I need to be A priority in his life (not number one, but somewhere above washing his socks). I need to know that the love and care I put into the relationship is returned. I need to be treated with care, compassion and consideration. That's it and I don't think that I'm asking too much.

Maybe I am seeking something that doesn't exist. And yet even with the disasterous ending to the realtionship with M, I always knew he cared about me. I didn't spend countless hours wondering when he was going to shove me away from him. I didn't cry over him and his callous treatment of me because that isn't how he treated me.

Pain

I don't even know where to begin. I am not, and refuse to believe I am, asking too much for my feelings to be considered valid.


Is it really too much to ask that he phone me and say, "I know we need to talk, but I can't do it today,"? Is it too much to hope that after reading what I poured out of my soul he would understand that I needed that much at least?

Instead, I find him sleeping at home. That hurt enough... Then the phone call with the angry voice telling me "I haven't slept in two days and if that's a problem, so what."

In between the sobs i realized I can't do this anymore. The pain of staying has surpassed the pain of leaving. If the simplest courtesy is too much, places me too high on his priority list, then I deserve better.

The little voice that screamed, "But what about me?" has screamed itself hoarse and is now wimpering in the corner with the rest of my soul. The battle bitch is out front, shielding the little one curled in the corner while I decide how much pain i can take from one person.

I cared for this man, trusted him with my body and my soul and he took it all as though it were his due and with no consideration for how i felt or what i needed in return. Now I think I need to break the bonds, mental, physical, and emotional before they break me.

I am worthy, I am worthwhile. I deserve better than to be treated as a nusiance or a convenience.

It all still hurts.....................

Well, it's done. I gave JD my letters and now there's no turning back. Either he'll be willing to engage in a real relationship with emotions and consideration or he won't.

My head is throbbing and my heart hurts so bad that I want to scream. I've been like this for days, crying at the drop of a hat because of the pain and I don't know how to make it stop.

All I really want is for him to say, "Yes, I care about you. Yes, you are important to me. Yes, your feelings matter."
I don't think that's too much to ask.

Feb. 2nd, 2002 at 7:28 PM

JD and I finally had a chance to talk yesterday. The basic outcome of the conversation was that he was not going anywhere and my jealousy was hypocritical at best.

After his assurances that he wasn't going to pass me over for a new sub, I have to admit that I felt a lot better. In all, i think that had he talked to me like he did yesterday when I originally asked him about gloria, I would have been okay from the start.

I'm terribly insecure and I was afraid that this new friend would disappear from my life if anyone else came in right now.

We also talked about expectations and boundaries. He now knows he can actually call me and say he wants to see me and I can do the same.

We spent this morning/afternoon together. Mostly we talked and got to know each other even better. We did a lot of touching and some mid-level play. It was definitely enjoyable :). Then we went shopping together at Sams. It was nice to spend some "normal" time with him in public. He really is a very nice man with a twisted sense of humor.

Things are going better and i feel more secure. R is trusting us both and is okay with what happened today. We're all making progress.

This was the start of several weeks of pain for me.

Apparently, part of the reason JD was interested in talking to arribeth (and he was...it went so far as him telling me that i should send her his email until he realized how upset i was) is that i am not available to him because i'm married.
I spoke to R about that last night and he agreed that when i talk to JD today i should tell him what i want to get out of the relationship and that the only thing left he wants to be present for is the first time JD and I engage in intercourse. Other than that, if i feel comfortable with him, i am free to scene with him alone.
I need to explain to JD that my objection to his taking on another sub is a "not now," not a "not never." But god it hurt to hear him say "Then send her my email and we'll see what happens."
I also don't understand how anyone watching us last Saturday could miss the relationship between us. I am wary of someone who watched JD pull my collar from his pocket and yet asks "is there anyone in his life on whose toes i'm stepping by persuing him?"
Yes, I was trying to be quiet and stay out of the way. I was trying not to be posessive, but I still thought the bond was obvious. Lou and Emm saw it, but asked the question anyway. Arribeth is claiming, indirectly, to have not seen it at all. Frank asked me how my "master" was.
There are several things going on in my life since yesterday that have brought me great pain. My fragile emotional state isn't solely over JD. But, honestly, every time i think about the tone of his voice on the phone last night, my chest constricts and my heart tells me to run for the hills because i'm about to be hurt again.
I don't need to be the only one. But i need to know that my worth to him is enough that he can wait until i feel a little more secure with him before he looks for another. It's only been a few weeks. I need more time to trust him or i need to let go.
That is, truly, the last thing i want. i'd rather we were able to work this out. I'd rather be able to explain why it hurt so much. Problem is, i'm not very articulate when it comes to speaking my emotions. I'm not good at saying the words that tell someone else my deepest and most painful feelings.
I have hope that we can work this out. He told me that for now we'd maintain the status quo, at least until we talked. I guess that's all i can really ask right now. But God damnit this hurts.

Jan. 31st, 2002 at 5:31 PM

I have a feeling that i will be looking again for a Dom soon. JD did something that truly hurt me today. I know that technically he doesn't realize what he's done, but just the same, the source is one that I will not have as a part of my life.
Arribeth sent me an email and asked about JD. I called to ask him what i should tell her. He said he'd have to think about it.
All that soulsearching i did the other day was apparently not in vain. I cannot believe that i was wrong, damnit. i really believed that he'd say that i was being silly, that his asking me to be exclusively his sub that meant he would not seek another sub. When he didn't do that, when he said he had to think about it....
i can't even articulate the pain right now. I did it again. i trusted someone. i took them at their word and assumed the best and most honorable of them and they stomped on me again.
Maybe there is an explaination. Maybe it was just because he couldn't discuss it right then. But i heard the interest in his voice.