Dec. 10th, 2002

• 9:00 AM

The little voice is screaming at me again...it's telling me that the "news" you want to share with me from the other day isn't good news...at least not for me. I am beginning to wonder what her name is and how serious it will become.

When I got that message, that you needed to tell me about your night, I was so excited. I really wanted to know what you had done and I was so happy that you wanted to share it with me. It's four days later and i'm wondering if you are stalling...not wanting to tell me something because you know I won't like it.

I've sent you three e-cards, you haven't looked at any of them. I've sent you emails and you never responded...not even to the story I wrote, depsite my asking you to please let me know if I should bother to do things like that.

I know you are busy. I certainly understand that. I know you have far more important things on your mind than me. Distance makes me nervous...total lack of feedback leaves me with nothing but the ugly voices to listen to.

I'll be brutally honest here, i'm afraid I'm being used. I don't want you to come home and find that you don't need me anymore...I don't want you walking out of my life because i've served my purpose and you can find someone else to do it next time.

Please understand that my fears are not a reflection of what I believe of you...rather they are the irrational fears of a woman who doesn't feel very worthy right now.

I miss you. I'm terribly lonely. The only people i have seen since you left are Sunny, Paula, abby, Theresa and Keith... I get the feeling that people who see me out with abby assume i'm a lesbian, hence the utter lack of interest in me when I went dancing...but I can't go alone and no one else will go with me.

I get ims all the time from guys...most of them married and cheating on their wives. People find me attractive but i don't really want to be with anyone else...though a date would be nice...and a great ego boost.

I suppose all this boils down to me feeling sorry for myself again. I feel like I've spent a month waiting for you and I'll spend nearly another one doing the same thing. Just talk to me...tell me everything is okay and i'll be flying high for the last week and a half before I get to see you again.

Dec. 2nd, 2002

• 10:16 PM

I wondered today what you really thought about the possibility of me going for coffee with Bob. I have no interest in him other than coffee. I often wonder what you think about me dating other people.

Sometimes you seem pretty gungho about the idea...perhaps because it would take the pressure off of you. Other times you seem reluctant about it...the "MINE" attitude.

I'll be honest...I'm lonely. I miss you so much and I hate feeling like this...like an afterthought...a secret....

I look toward the future and the thought of spending holidays alone because i'm not a traditional part of your life depresses the hell out of me.

I don't take our relationship lightly. There are so many facets to it...so many parts that usually mesh so well together but sometimes butt heads like raging bulls. How do I date? How do I explain to someone else that I need your permission to do things? And how do I explain to you that dating isn't really what I want...it's just an effort to stave off the loneliness.

I've been crying a lot lately...not your fault. I've been extremely emotional for many reasons. I generally feel wretched. Mostly, though, I miss you and what what you will be like when you come home again. The evil little voice in the back of my mind says that once you come home, I'll have served my purpose...you won't need a babysitter for Brandon for several months...you'll be able to take care of your own errands...you won't need me anymore so you won't want me anymore. Deep down, I think if I really believed that I'd leave the relationship before it came to that. But that voice is strong and ugly when i'm lonely and hurting and it's been screaming at the top of its lungs lately...not only because I miss you...

When I found out R was already planning to marry Angel it made me have to look back and wonder if I ever mattered...if I was ever worthy of anything...for heaven's sake...the most horrible man I know didn't think I was worth enough to have the common decency to wait until we were divorced before talking about marrying someone else...

To be brutal here...i'm feeling pretty worthless right now. I'm about to spend the holidays alone. My not even ex yet is planning his next wedding. My friends are avoiding me because they don't want to choose sides in a battle. I'm falling for someone who doesn't want that kind of relationship with me.

I don't do things by halves and I don't enter into things, especially relationships, lightly. When you asked me if I wanted to be your submissive, I gave you every part of me. I opened doors to you that I'd locked years ago to everyone else. I don't hide things from you, no matter how frightening I find them. I just don't want to become an afterthought...a dirty secret you hide in a closet because I'm not presentable for one reason or another.

I'm tired and hurting. I know you don't even read this anymore. I don't know why i'm bothering.

Nov. 25th, 2002

• 5:17 PM

You know, I really was doing okay...

I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself. I miss you and I don't have enough to do to keep my brain occupied enough to forget that.

You know, I didn't believe you when you said you'd call every day...but I sure did hope. I've been doing everything I can to make sure things are taken care of here...did laundry for you today, changed the cover on your futon and washed the other one...I check the house...take care of Brandon...I'm trying really hard.

 Nov. 21st, 2002

• 12:37 AM

I haven't been writing. I don't have an excuse. It isn't that I conciously thought, "I'm not going to write." It's more that I see you nearly every day and talk to you. I do actually think "What damn difference does it make, he isn't reading it anyway." Not a very submissive thought, but the truth.

I'm scaring you off. I can see it in your eyes...the way you looked at me today. I can feel it in the distance you've been putting between us lately. I can be all-encompassing. It isn't something I do to make people crazy, it is just how I am. If I care about someone, I want to take care of them...make their life easier any way I can. And when I care for someone, the thought of them leaving for an extended period of time leaves me weepy.

You said something to me once that has repeated in my head since...left me wondering what you meant by it. You told me that even when you are with others, you still think of me and want to be with me. You said that it bothered you. I wanted to know why it bothered you and you changed the subject. I still want to know why it bothered you.

I know when you entered this relationship you considered me "safe." I was married, therefore there would be no messy emotional entanglements. That safety net is gone for you and though you try to pretend it doesn't bother you, it does. You are nearly as bad a liar as I am.

I don't know what I am trying to say here...Perhaps I am telling you that you have "permission" to care if you want to. Maybe I'm asking for permission from you to take the chains off of my emotions and let them go where they will without fetters. Maybe I'm just setting myself up to get dumped because you don't want more than someone to cater to you when you find it convenient (that is not an accusation...I don't really believe that of you but the doubts ringing in my head and yes, my heart, sometimes scream that at me).

You will be gone for nearly two months. Maybe this is a really good time for both of us to look at our relationship and decide if it is what we want or if there are changes we would want in order to be happy.

I am proud and happy as your submissive but there are times when that role hurts, when it feels like I've wandered into another role only to be pushed back into the box.

Maybe I'm just feeling a little untethered as our relationship takes a rather large turn toward change. I don't expect that you'll be celibate while you're gone. I also don't even know how you might feel about me going out and maybe dating. You seemed a little annoyed when I made that date to play Backgammon (which I got stood up for, btw). I guess I'm asking for a definition of boundaries.

Nov. 16th, 2002

• 5:24 PM

you know, if you don't want to see me, just say so. Don't tell me you're going to call me when you have no intention of doing so. don't leave me waiting for you when you don't intend to bother with me.

Nov. 15th, 2002

• 9:58 PM

I realized something tonight that I'm not sure I'm happy knowing. It really makes no difference one way or the other if I am comfortable with what you do when I'm not with you. My choice is to accept it or not see you. Since I choose to spend time with you, I must accept it.

That doesn't mean I necessarily want to hear about each conquest. I don't mind you talking to me about other women. I don't mind you seeing other women. What I don't like is feeling second best...the booby prize held in reserve in case nothing better comes along. Please know that these are my feelings, not something you make me feel.

I've been home an hour and a half and I am expecting a phone call saying you have other plans and won't be coming or I'll fall asleep and hear from you next week.

I'm feeling sorry for myself. I admit it. I hate being alone. I hate feeling like a lap dog just begging for a little attention. I love spending time with you. I love talking to you, listening to music with you, even watching tv while you play your game. I dislike feeling out of place and out of sorts.

I guess I just need to start dating and stop reading into things you say and do. I need to simply accept the time I have with you as the gift it is and leave it at that.

Nov. 11th, 2002

• 6:21 PM

While I have put a couple of entries in the leather journal, I must admit I haven't been writing for at least a week. I just haven't even thought of it as I've been moving and all.

I miss you. I'll be picking you up tonight and can't wait to see you. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself when you are gone for a month. *sigh*

I chatted a lot this weekend. Mostly idiots but did "meet" a nice sounding guy from Ft. Bragg. We might get together to play backgammon some time. Curious how you feel about that...