The Marketplace and Musings

So I was reading one of the bonus short stories included in the kindle edition of The Marketplace and I was once again struck by the author's ability to so fully express the pain and intense emotion of the unowned slave. I was also struck by the insight she offered into the master's mindset.

When I am not in service, it is sometimes excruciating to see others in service. The need to be of service, to be useful, can be overwhelming. It can also be desperately lonely and sad. I serve when and where I can to fill that hole, but part of my soul is still out there in the dark when I am not in service.

My best friend knows both my pain and his own. He is, as Grendel is in the short story, aware of the value of the service of the slave he has held from time to time. And as Grendel knows about himself and his ability to be the owner Chris needs, my best friend knows he is not the owner I need. It is a horrible place for both slave and master. To know that at any one moment, both could be what the other needs, but for the string of moments a lifetime is made of, neither is right for the other.

I know that The Marketplace is fiction...and unattainable fantasy. I'm not delusional. What I am is hopeful. Hopeful that some day I'll once again know the peace of a collar, the love in service, the blessing of being owned. I hope that these last few years have taught me to be a better servant. I hope I have learned that no part of who I am is to be withheld from an owner, including my sadism and skills as a top. I hope I have come to a place in my life where the ruthless obedience I live by can be used judiciously by an owner and cherished for the soul-bearing nature of such obedience.

For now, though, the lump in my throat tells me that I am still seeking that right owner and that my soul will not rest until I find the right situation, the right owner. Until then, I will keep working, keep learning, keep serving the community as I can.

What I Seek and What I Offer

I think it is very important that participants in a relationship know what they want and what they offer in return. To that end, I have written the following to share with those who might be interested in a relationship with me.


I am seeking a power exchange relationship in which I serve an owner as a full member of his life. I want to be emotionally connected to the owner and share in more than his kink. I want to share his life. I seek a relationship that goes beyond the bedroom and into the rest of the world. I seek an owner who will judiciously use the ruthless obedience I offer to improve his life and connect with me. I seek an owner who will care for me and my needs as I care for him and his. I seek an owner who will not fear love as a sign of weakness, but embrace it as a symbol of strength. I seek an owner who will be sexually compatible with me and who will be a generous lover. I seek an owner who will be as transparent with me as I am with him. I seek an owner who will value my trust by being truthful with me at all times.

I offer myself as an intelligent and competent woman. I offer my skills as a writer, organizer, and general servant. I offer ruthless obedience and loyalty. I offer my attention to detail. I offer my care and concern and possibly my love. I offer everything I am and everything I can become. I offer transparency in all areas of myself. I offer my trust and my honesty.

Love

Written after the MsC 2009

Shake the snow from your shoulders
Rub your hands together
Seek the warmth of your fire

Shake the years from your shoulders
Rub hands with those you've missed
Seek the warmth of each embrace
Sink slowly into the pool of warmth

Stretch to coat your entire soul
Find each stiff muscle and tired fiber
Let the waves ease you

Is not love like a fire
Can it not warm your skin or burn you to embers

Is not love like a warm pool
Heated by the sun in the open glen
Can it not soothe your bones or take you down

Is not love like drowning without dying
Can it not sweep you away

Preparing for Separation

It is a sad truth that many of us who serve are in service to those who serve our country. Deployments and training exercises separate us from those we serve and can leave us feeling disconnected and lost. How, then, can a servant prepare for a separation? The first step I take in preparing for a separation is to talk to the owner. We discuss those things which I can do as service to him while he is far away. Remaining connected to those we serve in spite of distance between us can make separations much easier on both parties. Make a list of tasks to be completed for those you serve while they are absent. Commit to performing those tasks without fail or excuses. Do not allow the distance between you and those you serve to become an excuse for shoddy service. Remember to include on that list those things you will do to care for the property of the one you serve. Will you exercise, get massages, take time for yourself? Whatever it is you do to renew your body and soul, put it on this list so you do not forget to care for the property while the owner is away. Discuss how you will remain in contact with the one you serve. During his last deployment, I wrote a letter a day to the owner. The letters served two purposes for me and for him. They were a physical reminder of him each and every day as I hand wrote these letters. The letters were also a way to stay connected to him. They were written as though I were talking to him. These letters allowed me to keep him informed of what was happening at home as well as allowing me to share my thoughts and feelings each day. I would write the letters at night before bed and mail them on my way to work in the mornings. The roll of stamps became an unofficial count-down to his return as well since I knew that when the roll was gone, he'd be home. If you are lucky enough to be able to talk with the one you serve during your separation, do so. Just don't become so focused on that contact that you are unable to function without it. Missing a phone call can be disappointing, but it should not be debilitating. Make arrangements to keep in contact with others who know of the separation and can help you through it. If the separation is due to military deployment, get in contact with others who are experiencing the same type of separation, be they vanilla or kinky. Talking with others who had loved ones deployed helped me immensely. Being able to share your thoughts, feelings, fears and emotions with others who have similar experiences will help make the separation more bearable. Of course, your individual preparations will vary as your relationship varies from mine. However, remaining connected and in service, no matter the details, will help you and the one you serve make it through the separation. Don't forget that the one you serve is suffering a separation too. Each service you provide gives him or her the opportunity to accept service and helps them to remain connected to you. Copyright © 2009 Shannon Reilly All Rights Reserved. No unauthorized reproduction of this work is permitted without express, written permission from the author.

Well...that kinda says a lot doesn't it...

Jan. 14th, 2007 at 11:20 PM

Sagittarius's restless behavior causes needy Pisces to feel unloved and unnoticed. Bedroom sparks are all that hold this fickle pairing together.

Together your hearts beat with passion and understanding. Pisces brings romance-Cancer brings protection. Bring on the harmony.

Now...Which relationship is better for my heart and mind?

Add in the fact that I've pulled every Bear card out of the shapeshifter deck both online an in hand and well...I guess the universe is trying to tell me something. Maybe I should stop fighting it and listen.

I've been having the oddest dreams lately. For example, this morning I dreamed I was showing someone who seriously doubted me, my ability to play golf.

The easiest interpretation of the dream is that if I continue to do what I know is right and do it well, those who doubt me will have to see that I am competent. It's frustrating to know I am capable of doing things while being doubted becase someone simply doesn't like or trust me.

This dream likely stems from an exchange on an email list with someone this week. This person put out bad information (telling people they could attend a party on Friday when the party wasn't until Saturday). I corrected the information nicely, pointing out that the place in question didn't have parties on Fridays except when those parties were hosted by the leather group. I get back a snotty "thanks for correcting an error I never made." and the person continued to put out the bad info. I corrected the info again, posting a blurb from the website of the place.

When the person got an angry phone call from their owner, they had supposedly sent a "retraction" of the bad information. It's now two days later and that retraction is nowhere to be seen.

The whole reason this person continued to fight me about the information is that they don't like me. They've been nasty and insulting to me for months and since the change in relationship between me and their owner, I finally banned this person from my home, deciding that I no longer needed to put up with someone whose friencds feel it is necessary to aplogize for them having to be in my home.

I guess this whole incident, piled up with other things this person has screwed up this week that I'm now having to deal with the aftermath of, bothered me more than I was initially willing to admit.

The person keeps skirting sending information to me, despite knowing that sending it to their owner will not accomplish what needs to be done.

Screw it...I have work to do today. I just need to let it go.

So T calls today to tell me that he's leaving at 3 am to go to Peru...good news and bad really...good that it's Peru and not the desert, bad that it's so sudden. It's only two weeks and he's on a medical detail with some General...but I worry anyway.

Texas is cool and i'm learning a lot about leather and toy making...J is gonna love the toy A and I put together for him today...it's simple and seriously evil.

One more day here...crack of dawn flight Sunday...9 fold path presentation Sunday afternoon...Out to the farm for a good long ride with Charlie on Monday. It will be good to be home.