Gotta Love Epiphanies!

Jun. 3rd, 2006 at 8:48 PM

It's interesting how often seeing something from another's point of view can clarify something in your own thought process.

I adore throwing whips. I don't throw them at people or targets, but the act of moving the muscles to build the energy to generate the crack is something that is so wonderful I have trouble expressing it. Because I know I will likely never use a whip the way they are often used in the lifestyle, I get self-conscious about throwing them. Why should I 'waste time" working with something that I won't use as it was intended...that's what I often think when I pick up a whip and work with it.

But reading something in another journal made me realize something. Throwing a whip is manipulaing energy...something I have done actively since I was 8 years old. While I'm not big on the combination of BDSM and Spirituality, the manipulation of energy to create situations in which what one wills is done is something I do understand very well. The whip itself isn't necessarily something spiritual to me, but the movement, the generation of and the focus of energy definitely is spiritual.

Now I can look at a whip and realize that there IS a purpose to my throwing it, even if it isn't necessarily the one those around me see. It is proof to my soul that the energy it thrives on is found in even the strangest places and that the manipulation of that energy to create my desired outcome (even as simple as a crack using my left hand) is an exercise in feeding my soul.

Thank you Ma'am...without even knowing, you really have helped me.

Interesting Thought

Jun. 2nd, 2006 at 9:49 AM

This just came through the Leather Thought for the Day thingie:
Any punishment that does not correct, that can merely rouse rebellion in whoever has to endure it, is a piece of gratuitous infamy which makes those who impose it more guilty in the eyes of humanity, good sense and reason, nay a hundred times more guilty than the victim on whom the punishment is inflicted.

- Marquis Donatien Alphonse François de Sade

I wonder how this applies to punishment for the sake of the amusement of the dominant?

Just stuff

Jun. 2nd, 2006 at 9:45 AM

Found this cool tool for posting to the LJ, so I figured I'd try it out.

Well, I started working on the skill-set building idea I had in Phoenix. I've completed two of the tasks in the first skill-set and I put them up on the "training" area I set up at DOM-Videos. Feel free to check it out HERE.
You'll need to create an account if you want to participate, but it's free and I promise not to spam you.

We should be getting samples of the nylon whips in the mail today. I'm hoping they're great so we can take them to TMG tomorrow to take orders for them. I'd love to have them mostly sold before we even get them in.

I'm also hoping the mail gods have smiled on us and the stock whips from Australia get here before TMG tomorrow. I'm praying they work as fabulously as they look. The photo the whip plaiter sent made them look gorgeous. Now, if they crack and move like a larger whip would, they're gonna make us a ton of money! If not, we're screwed. Such is the nature of business I suppose.

I have emotional things to write about too, but I don't think I'm quite ready to work with them yet. I need a little more distance before writing these things will be productive rather than counter-productive. Suffice to say that as of right now I'm happy and comfortable with my station and I'm finding ways to stay that way.

Feeling super bitchy today

Apr. 22nd, 2006 at 11:28 AM

Last night we went to the Gathering. It was basically the same scenario as every other time K is around.

I was already having a bad day...taking too much to heart small corrections and criticisms throughout the day...so I was in no mood for the attention-seeking SAM behavior in the first place.

When every other word out of J's mouth is K, I find myself cringing and finding ways to become invisible. Watching him "reward" her bratty behavior makes me want to smack them both. It doesn't matter if he makes her cry by sticking a needle in her breast for having broken the "no profanity" protocol, she still thrives on it. She bragged about it in the alt chatroom when she got home, so it couldn't have been that bad.

Then I'm finally getting a chance to talk to him, to let him reassure me that even when I'm invisible, he notices, and who comes along and plops her happy ass down on the sofa across from us? I always leave them alone when I see they're talking. I always try to stay out of the way to give them time together without me interfering. This one time when I was obviously upset and talking to J and she can't give me the courtesy of leaving us alone for five fucking minutes.

Then I find out that instead of traveling with us (and maybe even helping while we travel) when we go to Phoenix in May, she's leaving a day early to "spend time" with some woman there she's been dying to play with for ages. So, no help, and a big opportunity to embarrass the hell out of us by misbehaving before we even get there.

Today she tells me for the fifth time that we MUST remember some toys for this woman in Phoenix. I told her to ask the person who has them for the toys and pack then. I get this snotty attitude that she wasn't asking me to remember or pack them, just telling someone so she'll remember. Bullshit. She's hoping I'll ask the person who has them and pack them so she won't have to remember any more.

She's on the staff for the Gathering. She barely helped set up and left before it was over so guess who had to help clean up? I'm NOT on the damned staff.

Fuckit...I'm just bitching now.

Thanks to everyone who commented on my last entry. I was feeling better by mid afternoon on Sunday, but I really had to vent to get that far.

I'm human and when I feel threatened or excluded, I get resentful and lash out. I't obviously better for me to lash out in writing here than on J at home (which was a near thing by Sunday morning...I get the feeling he knew that because he backed off a few times).

I need to work on an essay regarding these issues...something on how to handle one's emotions when the time is not right to talk about them. I then need to do that because I was not behaving well Saturday night or Sunday morning.

Feeling bitchy

Mar. 19th, 2006 at 12:11 AM

Right now I'm pissed off and resentful as hell. I HATE being the workhorse...the only one doing anything of consequence.

For crying out fucking loud...all i wanted to do was have a little bit of relaxation today because i knew what sunday was going to be like. But no, i had to freaking waste the day editing a video we won't even be using because that's what he wanted.

Then we filmed the fucking replacement video and rather than relax and socialize with K, I had to fucking start editing that...which I did until D showed up. Then it was hurry up and get ready to film some more. Then run to walmart because the background sucked and needed to be wider. Then film. Then when everyone else in the fucking house is playing, what am I doing? I'm fucking caputuring the goddammed video.

He's barely come near me since the Drs appt last Friday. He spends hours on the fucking computer "training" women from god knows where and inviting them to come here (and offering to "help" with their plane tickets). He doesn't have a motherfucking job...so guess whose money he's offering?

I'm so pissed off right now I don't even know what to do.

I'm not even entirely sure where to start this today. J and I were talking in the car last night and when he asked me "What are you?" I simply couldn't get the word slave past my lips. That led to a correction where he chastized me for allowing my own personal hang-ups to interfere with his orders. Because I hesitated in answering, he couldn't continue the discussion.

He also chastized me for allowing prior experiences in my life to color my interactions with him. My fear of surrender stems so much from my fear of abandonment and betrayal...something reinforced with every relationship I've ever had with a man...beginning with my father and ending with T.

Fear of loss has always been my worst enemy. I find myself in a relationship where I'm generally happy and comfortable and because I am happy and comfortable, I begin to fear it will be taken from me. That fear builds when the other person in the relationship looks for others outside the relationship who could replace me. While I can generally deal with those issues and the jealousy which comes up, sometimes I simply need to hear the words, "It's ok. I'm not going anywhere and I'm not looking for a replacement for you," but I don't know how to ask for these words and not have them be forced.

I am ok in poly relationships but I am personally monogomous at my own core. I'm not interested in playing with, having sex with, or serving anyone else by my own personal choices. I will do these things if told to, but my choice would not be to go outside the relationship for these things.

Honestly I guess everything here and everything which came up last night can be boiled down to one thing...fear. I'm afraid I'm being used. I'm afraid I'm going to be hurt. I'm afraid I'm going to be left alone. I'm afriad to trust that what is happening is real and will last.

J is so different from the men I've previously had D/s relationships with and yet in some ways he's very similar to them. He demands and accepts my surrender in a way no one else has--that is the main difference and benefit to this relationship over past relationships. His quest for others and my feelings of inadequacy because he quests is what is similar. And I fully realize he doesn't make me feel inadequate...I make me feel inadequate. But at the same time, it is behavior familiar to me which triggers that fear I spoke of earlier.

This isn't helping, so I'm going to stop now.