random thoughts

• Jan. 10th, 2006 at 3:15 PM

I'm feeling conflicted about my behavior. I've been here before and it wasn't the end of the world, and yet there's still a part of me that says "good girls" don't fuck on the first date. "Good girls" certainly don't fuck and get beaten on their second dates.

Damnit...why can't I let go of what is good or right? I don't feel guilty or like I've been wronged or really as though I've done anything wrong, but there's that small part of me that feels dirty for enjoying what I enjoy and for engaging in sex outside "normal" relationships.

With J, I've finally gotten past the "ten finger" rule of sexual partners. I'm at 11 in my lifetime. I don't know if that's high, low or somewhere in the middle. I just know that there's at least one on the list whose name I cannot remember and that does bother me.

Rick talked to me today about his fears for me engaging in a relationship with J. I know some of his concerns stem from jealousy (something he admits himself), yet it was good to hear his thoughts. I kept telling him that he needs to talk to me about these concerns because he knows J and is in a different position to view J than I am.

I'm still sorting out my feelings and fears. J is truly a sadist and while I've known sadists, they've always had the fear of hurting me when they touched me. J doesn't have that fear and in fact revels in the thought of hurting me. And at the same time, what I believed would be excruciating was not...was, in fact, far more bearable than I would ever have believed.

J is offering me the chance to be a slave. He's offering me the chance to learn true service. He's offering to make my secret dreams come true. How can I let my fear of pain take that opportunity from me? Especially as I learn that the reality is not as extreme as my fantasies when it comes to pain.

He used his belt on my ass last night...twice. The first strike was absolutely the worst. The second set was bad for a different reason...I disappointed him...I don't know how to be "slutty" and he's pushing me away from my sensual tendencies to get the slut to emerge. I am not specifically resisting the idea, I honestly don't know how to be that way.

He is aroused by my tears...a good thing since I cry as an emotional release within the lifestyle and have from the first time I was ever flogged.

What the hell am I getting myself into? I keep asking myself this and working out the answer. It's important to me to learn what J is offering even if we do not stay together as a couple. Beyond that, I like him. He's intelligent, articulate and interesting. He's also cruel and demanding in a way that makes my heart thump.

We discussed protocol last night and spent extensive time simply defining the term. His ideas are not only well-thought out, but also dynamically and persuasively presented. I like his definitions and agree with his specific protocols.

 Thoughts on regret

• Jan. 6th, 2006 at 8:53 AM

"Never regret. If it’s good, it’s wonderful. If it’s bad, it’s experience.”

~Victoria Holt

What a wonderful way to look at your life. I've always said that while I may not have always been happy, I don't regret the choices I've made because they have brought me to where I am today.

If I hadn't married a man I didn't love, I wouldn't have moved to where I was able to go back to school. If I hadn't left my family behind and moved four states away, I wouldn't have found the career I love. If I hadn't decided to let go of a marriage that wasn't working, I wouldn't have found the financial and emotional security I have today.

Have I ever said I regretted something? Of course. But the truth of the matter is that I make choices in my life and expect to suffer the consequences of those choices. Knowing I will have to face the truth in the end makes it harder to truly regret anything and easier to accept the experiences my choices have brought me.

Thoughts on Fear

• Jan. 4th, 2006 at 8:45 PM

"Fear does not have any special power unless you empower it by submitting to it.”

~Les Brown

So much of my life is ruled by fear. I'm afraid of failure, so I work harder than I should. I'm afraid of betrayal, so I distance myself from others. I'm afraid to be alone, so I stay in relationships longer than I should.

In the past several months, I've made a lot of changes in my life to remove the power I have given to fear. As I recognize more areas where fear rules me, I will continue to change my life to take that power back.

What are the F-ing Odds?

• Dec. 23rd, 2005 at 1:40 PM

Okay, so I had a friend for 16 years (we went to high school and college together...he called my mother "Mom", we lived across the hall from each other in college and ended up only one state apart after school).

Two years ago, he handed his balls over to the harpie he married, left a message on my cell phone that I was never to call him again. I haven't seen or heard from him again.

Until today...

I'm sitting in my car, driving home after being at the mall and look over to my left. There's a white jeep and the man in it looks suspiciously like this former friend, so I do the natural thing, I stare...It was HIM. I waved, he waved. He pulled away and I sobbed in my car the whole way home.

Why is it that the men in my life have always found the best ways to hurt me? I mean, 16 years of friendship (NEVER dated, NEVER any sex, JUST friends) and he gives it up for a woman he admits to hating and does it in the way that hurts the most...he left a mutherfucking message on my voicemail.

Despite traveling to the town where he works (it's a beach town, always been one of my favorites, I refuse to avoid it), I haven't seen him in nearly two years. Now, I'm in fucking PA, in our fucking hometown where NEITHER of us live anymore and I see him. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

I HATE the holidays. I think I'm just going to boycott them from now on.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Did you ever just have one of those damned days?

• Nov. 30th, 2005 at 8:27 PM

So my phone rings while I'm in class tonight. I don't recognize the number, but I do recognize the area code. I only know one person in that area code.

So I try calling it back and no answer. I text message to the number, "Who are you?" I get, "I'm Ts wife."

I'm so annoyed right now. I can't even muster up enough emotion to be anything more than annoyed at this point. I let him know how I felt, too. Told him flat out that I always assumed there were other women he didn't tell me about. Told him I was tired of his family telling me I was the anti-christ. Told him I refused to let him go through the motions of getting rid of me again. I threatened to get hold of the ditz to tell her to fuck off too.

If he's married, fine. But honestly I don't think he is. I believe it's the same family member making trouble who has been making trouble for months now.

I'm just too tired to give a fuck one way or the other right now.

Have to bitch

• Nov. 27th, 2005 at 7:16 PM

I'm so pissed off right now and I don't know how to deal with the issues.

I went to the beach for Thanksgiving...on purpose...by myself...on purpose. I was really enjoying my solitude and was finally destressing significantly.

So a friend calls. She's worried about me being alone for the holiday. She's gonna drive down for the day on Saturday with her son, her ought-to-be-ex-husband and his two great danes. They're broke so they're not certain they're coming. Whatever.

Well, long story short, they came. They were literally broke (the restaurant declined the debit card so guess who paid for dinner). They stayed in my room (thankfully I had a two bedroom). That's right, three adults, a teenager, a chihuahua and TWO 160lb. great danes in a single room in an old hotel.

They ruined my last night at the beach. After dinner, she and the ought-to-be-ex didn't feel good so the walk around Broadway got cut short. Then the dipshit ought-to-be-ex decides he's got to open the bottle of wine I bought the friend last weekend as a thank you for watching my dog. There's no cork screw so he jams a knife into the cork until the bottle neck cracks. He cuts himself...did I mention the dipshit asshole is HIV positive and he CUT himself on the neck of the bottle? Then he downs 2/3 of the bottle in a water glass. This was not a cheap bottle of wine, nor was it intended to be chugged. It was a gift for my friend, not the asshole.

So i get frustrated and leave for fifteen or twenty minutes. When I get back, they're going to bed...it's EIGHT FUCKING THIRTY on a SATURDAY NIGHT for crying out fucking loud. And this was MY fucking vacation.

I packed everything I could and then stayed up and watched TV for a while before giving up and going to bed. Oh and the damn dogs decide to fight at one point, scaring the shit out of me and the chihuahua.

This morning, the dogs wake me, then the chihuahua keeps me up because he heard the damn danes. So I get up, get showered and dressed and load my car.

I make breakfast...fucking pancakes...for everyone and friend and dipshit leave me alone with son for 1/2 an hour while they supposedly go to get coffee. When I finally take my dog out to go to the bathroom, friend and dipshit are EATING at the hotel continental breakfast. Apparently the pancakes weren't good enough.

After I saw that, I gave them the key to the room, told them to leave it on the table in the room when they were done and I left.

I feel like a heel for being pissed, but the fact is, I am and I think I have a right to be angry. They imposed and then ruined my last night of vacation. Now friend wants to talk about going back to the beach for christmas. I won't be going with them if dipshit asshole and the dogs are going. I refuse to spend any more time with him and those beasts.

Back again

• Jan. 26th, 2004 at 11:30 AM

It has been a very long time since I wrote regularly in any journal. I seem to go through cycles where I need to write and others where I don't need to.

My life has changed so much in the past year. I'm officially divorced (YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). I still live alone and still love what I do for a living (I'm a teacher). And I still belong to the same man I did when last I worked on this journal.

It is that relationship that will bring me back to writing again as it has recently undergone a very serious change. I have gone from a submissive with slave tendencies (my own choice of behaviors were more toward slave than submissive by most accepted definitions of the terms) to an owned slave (this by Master's choice and definition).

I have to admit that the first thought of this change terrified me. In the past there had been some times when Master would distance himself for personal reasons, times when he would be disconnected and I was afraid of belonging to someone who might become unreachable with no notice. But in the week since he made this change in my status, my fears have been assuaged by his calls and the time he's invested in making sure I'm okay.

You see, he moved to another state in November and is now many hours away. I didn't know how I could do this without his presence in my life each day, but the rules and regulations actual have the feel of a caress...as I get into bed each night by 10, I feel his hand on my heart telling me "goodnight little one." And though I may curse the alarm at 6:30, it is still a reminder that he cares that I get enough sleep so I don't stress myself into illness as I am likely to do on my own.

I have been adding folks to my friends list here at LJ and hope if you wish to comment on anything in this journal you will do so. I'm always open to honest discourse and look forward to talking with folks again as I make this transition in my life :).